Letter to Uni: My Crush & Thensome


Dear Uni,

My heads all over the place this morning. 

Just read an article on Zoe Saldana playing the role of Nina Simone and everyone has an opinion. I guess as a woman of color, who is Black and of Latin descent, I can understand one part of the argument. Zoe has a right to audition for and take any part she can play as an artist.  But, another argument is, she doesn’t have the right skin color, the right look and basically they had to put her in black face to pull it off.  And yet, as actors we use make-up and prosthetics all the time to help become a character. It’s a tough one. Nina Simone.  I mean, iconic.  I can’t decide if the Casting Department was just lazy and didn’t even try to audition, 9 other well-known, more “visibly similar”  and talented actresses to play the part?  Or, if this is all part of just great marketing?  I mean, no offense, but no one recently has talked about Nina Simone – and now everyone’s got an opinion, and everyone will watch to see how Zoe does. Ergo, everyone will see the movie.   And yeah, this is all good for Zoe. I’m not being cynical – I’m just saying.  I love Hollywood. I just do.  It cracks me up.

Brain change:

I had yet another surgical procedure yesterday. Uggh.  This on-going teeth/sinus thing is killing me and I’m trying to be grateful that it’s nothing else. But still:  I just suck at anything “Doctor-esque”.  I lost two back teeth, and, long story short, I don’t have that many to begin with so this wasn’t really a choice. I keep telling people, “I was born with a small mouth” – which is funny, since I talk more and louder than most people on any given day.  A “small mouth” would not be what would come to mind to anyone who knows me… too funny!  Anyways, this was just the next step, in an 11 month procedure.  And yesterday was just the next torture. Not eating or drinking for 6 hours prior was bad enough, but then getting the anesthesia through an IV…all I remember is the Surgeon telling me to stop talking (actually, in a way that’s kinda funny).  But, right after the surgery and this morning…horrible.  I was in so much pain when I got home. And the blood was soaking up the gauze pads in my mouth within minutes. I tried to eat – it’d been about 8 hours at that point – but just couldn’t get the blood and the pain out of my head.  Finally – hesitantly,  I took one of the pain pills I’d been given and felt much better.  The blood stopped from my mouth at some point and I had what tasted like the best thing I’d ever eaten in my life: mashed potatoes.  A lot of them.  One thing is certain: I’d never make it on a deserted island at all  — I’m a friggin’ whimp!

This morning I look more like a chipmunk on one side of my face, but honestly, not too bad.  Besides my nose bleeding every so often, I’m alright.  I hate myself for complaining so much and being such a baby.  Honestly, first world problems, right?  So pathetic. I’ve got to keep things in perspective. This. Is. Nothing.

Look, squirrel.

As much as I want to express myself about Donald Trump, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz and the entire idiotic republican mess, I just can’t bare it.  Plus, so many others have said it better than me. I will say this, it makes me sad for our whole country. Maybe I’m being too dramatic, but it’s painful to see the worst of who we are in this fashion. I mean, I cry at what things people do like ISIS or anything happening in Africa or any other part of the world.  I feel pain when a natural disaster hits and people are hurt and killed.  I feel something horrible when children are starving, or being hurt, trafficked or… you get the point. But what is just as painful to watch, is a supposed civilized people celebrating and embracing the worst of who we are and cloaking it under democracy.  Pains me to watch. The Democrats are doing their thing running for office.  Normal fight to the finish.  But, there’s something else going on with the Republicans. And I think for me the last straw of thinking this might work itself out, was any discussion of the KKK.  I mean, forgive me Lord, but WTF?  I turned off the TV and prayed right then and there.  We need some serious love sprinkles or some sort of miracle or something.  Cuz what’s happening under the guise of politics right now… well, that just can’t be right. It just can’t be.

Jump all the way over here.

I’m thinking about “Alex”. What can I say? I’ve had a crush on that man for a long time now.  He’s perfect in every way except that he doesn’t even know I’m alive.  He’s smart, tall, handsome, kind… Well, he knows I’m alive, I just don’t think I’m a thought in his pretty head.  Ha!  Isn’t it interesting that the human heart never stops feeling butterflies when you like someone no matter how old you are?

I was thinking last night how different it would be if I came home to him in my post-surgical angst and just had someone there to let me know everything would be okay.  I then realized I was such a bitch when I got home,  that in my day-dream it’d be better if he was traveling and just called to see how I was doing.  Okay, no.  Because I had plenty of friends who did that and even THAT annoyed me so much!   Yeah, yesterday was definitely an ALONE type of day for me.  Maybe this is why I remain pretty much joyously single?  In my perfect world, I always thought the best “married” couple would be the ones who had a house so big, that one would have the West Wing, and the other would have the East Wing. And when they wanted to be with each other, they’d meet in the middle.  Ha!  Yeah, I think in my perfect world, I’d need at least that much room!

Honestly, I think everyone does – need that much room, I mean.  Most of my friends who are married or in intense relationships seem to be so miserable.  Any rare time I start to feel just a little lonely or a little sorry for myself, I remember it’s better to be alone than alone with someone else in the room.  That’s gotta be worse on every level.  But, I can’t lie, being enjoyably single has its drawbacks.  I mean, clearly it has its plusses! But, the drawbacks do creep up when I’m sick for sure or when I can’t find a friend to hang with because they’re with their family or whatever.  Eeeh, but other than those moments, I’m good.  I can’t ever imagine settling just to cover those bases.  Don’t get me wrong:  I know it’s more than that – the connection, the companionship. I just think all of that is a “give-in” when in a relationship. But one reason why so many relationships seem to get so toxic is because there’s a loss of individuality and a loss of alone time.  Quiet.  Real individual space.

Smooth transition. 

I’m such a creature of quiet and alone time. In that sense I’m quite the introvert.  Most people would peg me as an extrovert, but the truth is, I’m not one without the other.  The reason why I’m exuberant and talkative and can work a room like no-other, is because I do spend so much time alone. Whether it’s hiking, walking the beach, running, or just at home, I crave the time.  Being introspective, being quiet.  I’m not a natural social diva. Although many would think I am.  I’m one that needs to rejuvenate, replenish – basically, re-fuel. Without the joy or quiet in my life, I could never be who I am. I’d be a total mess . No doubt.  

Reality change. 

Now my nose is bleeding. It says in the “instructions for  sinus care” I was sent home with, that this is normal after this kind of surgery. Ugghh.  Seriously grossing me out.  Again, as my friend Chelsie always says, “first world problems.”  <- I love that line. Cuz, it’s true.  But still. Bloody nose, chipmunk face, stiches all up and in my mouth, I’m not saying it’s worse than anything else that can be happening to me, but for this moment, I’m just saying YUK!

So now I’m good.  I’m hoping to be able to do some TRX this morning.  I’m so addicted.  This guy Carl who teaches the TRX class I started taking a while back, acknowledged the other day that “you’ve come a long way, Carmen” and he’s so right!  I was feeling that way too because for me, TRX is all about core strength, which I had lost.  But him saying that, just nonchalantly, made my day.  I want to go running too this morning, but this bleeding has got to stop before I can even imagine that so… maybe not. It’s kinda hard to stay home today and just chill, because usually I plan when I’m going to “chill” and I have a plan on what that “chilling” means…  I’m behaving like such a control freak, huh?  Jeez.

Prayer time.

Okay. What do I hope for today?

As always, I hope to be better today than I was yesterday. Which, should be fairly easy since I won’t inundate everyone with my “having surgery” drama – ugghh.  That annoyed me.   I accidentally sent an email to way too many people when I meant to send it only to my clients so they wouldn’t reach out to me this weekend. That’s what I get for being lazy and not emailing people individually!  I can be better today when I’m not focusing so much on my own stuffage and instead, maybe focusing and helping someone else.

I hope I can make one person smile today.  Smaller goal than usual, but I have a feeling I’ll be limited in my outreach today.

I’m keeping it real simple today God.  I just don’t have that much energy in me today as I usually do.

I’d like to write a blog post. It’s been so long since I’ve updated my blog, but I just seem to only have subject matters that are angry or negative reactions so I’ve chosen NOT to post.  I’ve started saying to myself, pretty regularly:  “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  Maybe I’ll start posting my journal entries to the Universe and such.  Eeh, maybe just this one? I don’t know. I’ve thought about this so many times in the past – and it’s the same question:   Why anyone would want to read my long-winded ramblings is beyond me, but since I write every day as a form of therapy and generally it’s just jibberish, maybe there are others out there who get some type of clarity from therapeutic writing and self-analysis? Not sure.  Maybe the question is, how would this help me?  My inner-most thoughts to the Universe for the world to see?  (And when I say “universe” I mean anyone who accidentally finds themselves here, reads it and then probably throws their hands up in the air for wasting such a valuable time. Ha!).  Well, I’m not sure it benefits me in any way, except that maybe I’ll feel better about checking out and updating my website a little more often.  I don’t necessarily have to have a reason, except that I can, but I always have something to share with you Universe.  Just like you always have something to share with me.  And hey, maybe that’s good enough.

Thank you for another shot at this today. Hopefully, I’ll get it right and make a small difference to someone.

Wishing for peace, love and all that good stuff.









4 thoughts on “Letter to Uni: My Crush & Thensome

  1. You accomplished your goal for today. When I saw there was a new blog on your site, that caused a bright smile on my face.

    Then, I started reading and felt so sorry. Bleeding noses, being a chipmunk (though you must the most adorable chipmunk there is) and feeling invisible to your crush. I wish I could give you a big hug (even when you don’t like them) and tell you everything will be alright.

    We have a saying that goes something like “after the rain comes the sunshine.” I wish for you that all will get better for you from now on. You deserve the best and to be happy.

    Get well soon!

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