The Perfect Man

The Perfect Man  (an email exchange to Rache) 

———- message ———-
From: Carmen
Date: Wed, Apr 18, 2018 at 10:56 PM
Subject: Dinner stuffage
To: Rachel


I love you, I really do. I love that you’re so worried about me. But honestly, I think this is more about you than it is about me.

You’re right – he was/is perfect.  Quite the gentleman, a lawyer – beyond successful. Good looking – in that crazy way we all dream about. And gurl, he picked me up in the Tesla – you were right (and uhem, I’m clear it’s one of several cars he owns).  He checked every box.  Tall, hot, them teeth – Lord help me, I almost lost it right there.  Great lips and a beautiful smile is my “Achilles heel” every time.  And most importantly, he surprised me with the tickets. Dinner and a Play? The brotha was working his magic for sure!  So old school and then, not-so-much. Truly perfect.

You’re right. He is the perfect guy.

Here’s the thing:  I’ve met several “perfect” guys. You know I have. I know what you mean by “perfect” so I’m not going to sit here and tell you the cliché thing that he’s just not perfect for me.  That somehow we were missing chemistry and all that good stuff because trust me, we had plenty of “CHEMISTRY” – he kisses lightly by the way, sweetly and kindly and…well, chemistry is not the problem, is all I’m saying…

What is the problem is that what makes my heart skip a beat is a much higher bar.  First, you know I’m not a fan of marriage.  I mean, I AM and I WOULD, but I wouldn’t trade my single life for your married life for a $1 Million dollars!  90% of my married friends are in miserable marriages.  Marriage has never been and is not my goal.  It is completely Mr. Tesla’s for sure.  To me, marriage would be beside the point. It’d be icing on a fantastic cake.  It could be a financial decision we make… I mean, I could care less about getting married, it’s never been my thing – more important to me…

You know what? I’mma lay it out. And if you have one of these “brotha’s” on your Facebook page, cool.  Hook me up again.  I’m game.  But THIS is what I think is the perfect man:

  • He’s not showy or flamboyant about his success, his intellect, his looks, his anything. There’s just an “IS-ness” about him.
  • He’s not a victim of his circumstances, instead, he’s empowered by it.
  • He’s crazy smart, genius level would be better. I need someone who can teach me something I don’t already know.
  • He’s socially comfortable in a crowd, but relaxed with one-on-one most days.
  • He’s confident and strong, except when he’s not – and completely okay with that part of himself.
  • A man who does not whine and complain for more than a minute before he gets to dealing with whatever’s not working.
  • A man who would never intentionally use his words to hurt another. Clearly never physically hurt another either.
  • Someone who understands what he has right in front of him – limited time – and he makes the best use of it.
  • I want a man who needs to be taken care of, who wants to be taken care of and more importantly can take care of me too. And any man who confuses that with financial or material needs, is clearly out of his league when it comes to me.
  • I want a man who is beautiful in the way that I mean it: a commitment to being better than he used to be and regardless of any mistakes, learns from them and shines anyways.  It’s an inner thing.
  • A man who isn’t conceited by his gifts, but instead consistently working on his “lesser skills”.
  • Extra credit or bonus points would be a man who doesn’t need to see me every day, but maybe wants too, treasures quality over quantity but respects what and who we are to each other.

And all that is just to start. For the record, those are all the same things I require for my friends.  Change the above from “man” to “friend” and read it again and you’ll get my meaning.  

Physically he’d have to be that which is pleasing to my senses. I no longer ascribe to a “type” because clearly I’ve been wrong so many times. Older or younger?  Honestly I don’t know.  There are pros and cons to both in my experience, but him NOT being afraid of ME would be a great thing. I know that sounds cra-cra even as I write it – but it’s not ME they’re afraid of — actually, it’s LOVE or the possibility of it… (that’s my perspective anyways). Cuz, you know, when I love, I love for reals.  It’s a little too much for most.  I get that.  I do.  But I ain’t changin’.  I love who I am.

And there it is:  the most important thing about LOVE and a partner to me today is this:  I don’t want to have to change. I shouldn’t have too. And I would NEVER want to change someone I fell in love with. I mean, that seems strange to me.  If I met you THIS WAY, why would I want you to be something else?  There are just some things I know for sure:  you can never change someone. You just can’t.  So, I want someone to accept me the way that I am – all of it: good, bad and the ugly.  And the beautiful.  And I’ll do the same.  I think what happens in any relationship over time, is, as you get to know someone you find ways to compromise those things that don’t work for each other. That’s not CHANGE – that’s just a natural course that happens when you love someone – when someone matters to you.  When someone is a priority to you in your life, you find a way to make things work because they’re important to you.  It’s a beautiful thing when it happens – but it’s never an overt or painful change – it’s just what’s next.

Look, we had a great time. Tesla man was lovely. And after all these years being “friends” on Facebook because of you — it really was brilliant to finally meet.  He’s absolutely stunning looks-wise and a I’m certain a wonderful man.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to him and thought of him a bit after he dropped me off. I considered the possibilities for sure – but he called me in the morning.  And I would never string him along – but goodness, he talked about marriage on our first date Rache! And that didn’t even bother me so much, but it was constantly talking about “the future”.  We hadn’t even gotten our appetizers yet!  Wow!  I was honest with him.  And he was sweet about it.  I would never play with his heart – you know it’s not my style and it’s just cruel. All the money in the world couldn’t make me be that girl, ever. So I told him the truth – I just didn’t see this going any further.

And lastly, because you know how much I love writing long-ass emails to you  – I don’t think I should have to try.  You wrote in your email that you didn’t think I was “trying”.  My friendship with you wasn’t something I had to “try” and figure out when we first met.  We just met and we knew we’d be friends!  It was easy.  We’ve had our fights over the years (because most days you’re so wrong, but whatevs – ha!), but we always find our center again.  It’s okay to argue and disagree – our friendship is solid so I expect that we’ll have our ups and downs – but never, not once, have I ever felt I needed to “TRY” and be your friend.  At the very least, the man I someday “marry” —  ‘cuz I know that’s your goal for me – has to be my friend.  Solid.  I need to feel safe that we can fight, argue, laugh, cry, shout, scream, laugh, be complete fools and still be solid.  And that, has nothing to do with trying.  It does have everything to do with trust.  I don’t want to TRY and be somebody’s friend. I want to TRUST that I already am.

So, there it is.  I love you with all my heart and soul.  And I love that you worry about me. But don’t.  I’m happy. If I wasn’t, you know I’d do something about it!  I’m an optimist. I can’t live in negativity for too long. But, I’m good.  I need YOU to stop focusing on me and my love-life and maybe start considering why you’re so obsessed with my relationship status so much.  Gurl, you know I say this with all the love in my heart;  what’s going on with you?  Call me. I’m still up.


On Apr 18, 2018, at 9:04 PM, Rachel wrote:

Seriously, WTF? He’s the perfect man. I don’t get it. I just don’t. I don’t think you’re really trying.







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