Over the past few months so much has changed for me personally. I feel like I’ve awakened to a new and improved self but only after a very painful beat down, a humiliation really. But I see things so much clearer now. It was necessary and worth it.
I didn’t see it until all of this happened – “all of this” being the isolation of Covid19 and the social unrest of what has always been issues in my personal life regarding race – but has come to the forefront lately because of the non-chalant killing of yet another soul, this time, George Floyd. – what I didn’t realize was how much I restrained my voice whenever I created or spoke particularly to an audience that tended to be White.
As I write that sentence, I feel a knife piercing my creative soul. How could I have ever restrained myself? My voice. My truth. Why would I ever do that?
It’s subconscious. It is not intentional. This is what racism or any “ism” has the power to do – it changes how we interact in the world because fear dominates that initial interaction. The creative process is mitigated by fear of not being heard “correctly”. Dismissed by bias. Fear stifles our honest voice to generate truthful work.
How did I notice this? Well, it’s been having conversations in person but also on social media during this volatile time in our world. Sending emails and tweets back and forth between people of different races and noticing how easy it was to write one tweet or email, verses another. Feeling my comfort level change instantaneously when writing to “Becky” verses when writing to “Chantel”. I tend to have less regard for how Black folk or People of Color view my words than White folk because I know Black folk (POC) will “GET” me. I hate to admit this, but it’s been like this my entire life.
Now, some of this may seem clearly also cultural. I mean, when I speak Spanish with family that’s because we all grew up speaking Spanish and so we “get” each other. There’s a comfort there. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about just straight up writing and not being worried about if I’m “writing this easily for White people to digest and not to get too upset by it” kind of thing. Making sure I don’t use certain words that may push “readers” away – and when I say “readers” what I really mean is White folk who might buy my book if they’re not too offended.
It is not my intention to not share the true breadth of my talent. But I share this revelation because for me, it is a profound turning point in my work as an artist, as a creator, as a writer. I didn’t know I was doing it. I share it because racism is infused in every part of our society so much so that we don’t even realize how much it has constricted our voices. All of our voices. What have you learned during this time about your creative self? Have you been stifled?
So much time is spent on hating and “other-ising” that the counter punch to that hate is always trying to get people to understand they have nothing to fear from me or others like me. And yet as much as I scream, I still have to mold myself, package and pretty myself to make it palatable and likeable enough so you might be willing to understand just a piece of the real me…
I won’t do it anymore. This is me in freedom. This writing voice of mine.
You’ve been warned.
*This blog post is part of the #AuthorsToolboxBlogHop. If you’d like more information please check out the link.