November 3, 2020, 10:45pm Tuesday night / election night (West Coast Version)
I spent the entire day waiting for the polls to close. I wanted so badly for this national nightmare to be over and yet, here I am, almost 11pm on Tuesday night and all I know for sure is that the country I once loved and had such pride in, no longer exists. Or maybe it never did. I don’t know. I’m so confused.
Don’t get me wrong, I still think Joe Biden will win. But something is very wrong. It shouldn’t be this close. I don’t think I’m being impatient or unrealistic. Somehow I needed a more thorough and easy win. I needed to know that people in states Biden would never win – knew that Donald Trump was evil and unworthy of the office of the President. Instead, it feels like my country is wishy washy about it all. You know, it’s like they’re unsure of the racism. The incompetence. The pettiness. The nastiness. My country, is unsure about decency. It breaks my heart.
I don’t know how to explain it to the outside world. I mean, there is no doubt that my country needed a good smack upside the head so that our egos could be knocked down a peg or two, but something just feel wrong about what’s happened tonight.
I may not know a lot of things, but my instincts about my country have never been this wrong. I’m so tired. I don’t want to post this either. I want to sleep but I’ll keep waking up in the middle of the night searching for verification that we’ve won the White House. I think I’m gonna be sick.
Update: November 4, 2020, 5:11am Wednesday
Nothing’s changed. My heart aches. It doesn’t matter on some levels because I know for sure my country is everything I thought it was. Something is clearly wrong. None of this makes sense. If someone said to me that Russia had a part in all of this, or that there was some massive malfunction, THAT would make much more sense to my heart than that the American people are this okay with evil.
I wish I could say I have hope. Maybe I still do. But it’s faint. The thing that hurts so much is knowing that our country is such a mess on so many levels, that fixing it is going to be even harder than I could have ever imagined.
I need more sleep. I’ll be better if I can muster up some anger to fight another day. But right now, I just wish I could sleep and wake up from this nightmare that is my country. The United States of America. I’ve never been more disappointed. And yet, somehow I’m also not that surprised. Something is so wrong with it all. I’m telling you, nothing makes sense.
On behalf of decent Americans of the U.S., I truly am sorry – but I’m telling you, none of this makes any sense. None of it.
Today is going to be a tough day. Pray for us. Pray for me.