Something’s Wrong

/ Carmen Suarez

November 3, 2020, 10:45pm Tuesday night / election night (West Coast Version)

I spent the entire day waiting for the polls to close.  I wanted so badly for this national nightmare to be over and yet, here I am, almost 11pm on Tuesday night and all I know for sure is that the country I once loved and had such pride in, no longer exists. Or maybe it never did. I don’t know. I’m so confused.

Don’t get me wrong, I still think Joe Biden will win. But something is very wrong. It shouldn’t be this close. I don’t think I’m being impatient or unrealistic.  Somehow I needed a more thorough and easy win. I needed to know that people in states Biden would never win –  knew that Donald Trump was evil and unworthy of the office of the President. Instead, it feels like my country is wishy washy about it all.  You know, it’s like they’re unsure of the racism. The incompetence. The pettiness. The nastiness. My country, is unsure about decency.  It breaks my heart.

I don’t know how to explain it to the outside world. I mean, there is no doubt that my country needed a good smack upside the head so that our egos could be knocked down a peg or two, but something just feel wrong about what’s happened tonight.

I may not know a lot of things, but my instincts about my country have never been this wrong. I’m so tired. I don’t want to post this either. I want to sleep but I’ll keep waking up in the middle of the night searching for verification that we’ve won the White House. I think I’m gonna be sick.

Update:  November 4, 2020, 5:11am Wednesday

Nothing’s changed. My heart aches. It doesn’t matter on some levels because I know for sure my country is everything I thought it was.  Something is clearly wrong. None of this makes sense. If someone said to me that Russia had a part in all of this, or that there was some massive malfunction, THAT would make much more sense to my heart than that the American people are this okay with evil.

I wish I could say I have hope. Maybe I still do. But it’s faint. The thing that hurts so much is knowing that our country is such a mess on so many levels, that fixing it is going to be even harder than I could have ever imagined.

I need more sleep.  I’ll be better if I can muster up some anger to fight another day. But right now, I just wish I could sleep and wake up from this nightmare that is my country. The United States of America.  I’ve never been more disappointed.  And yet, somehow I’m also not that surprised.  Something is so wrong with it all.  I’m telling you, nothing makes sense. 

On behalf of decent Americans of the U.S., I truly am sorry – but I’m telling you, none of this makes any sense. None of it.

Today is going to be a tough day. Pray for us. Pray for me.

Carmen

5 thoughts on “Something’s Wrong”

  1. Carmen I’m in Canada and so couldn’t even vote in this election. And I got up in the middle of the night to check the news about this. I can’t even imagine the anxiety all of this must be producing for you guys who are in the thick of it. (Well, I can, in a way, since part of my horrific anxiety began when he was elected and I could see nothing but 4 years of horror. Thankfully though bad, it wasn’t as bad as I imagined. Except for the past few months where he’s broken every protocol and went looking for more to destroy.)

    I do know that the majority of Republicans who voted for him this time around weren’t consciously voting for a racist, or a misogynist, or a liar or a guy who makes fun of the handicapped and calls POWs “losers”; they were voting for the only guy they saw as understanding and representing their needs. It doesn’t matter that Obama set America up on a financially thriving journey; the fact that it came to fruition on Trump’s watch meant (for them) that he was listening. When he removed regulations all over the place and the stock market took note and rose through the roof, they attributed all of that to him. Maybe rightfully. And business boomed and people got jobs and thrived in them. (We’ll ignore the gig economy for the moment as that doesn’t fit the pro-Trump narrative). And we can’t forget his prison reform deal which arguably was a good thing. Whether he did so out of concern or because he was self-serving and just wanted another win doesn’t matter (again, not part of the pro-Trump narrative).

    So people began to *believe* in him. And as you know, in politics and religion, belief trumps all. Logic and critical thinking often goes out the window when belief arrives.

    Misplaced belief or not, I think conservatives and liberals truly need each other. I hope and pray people begin to realize this. I worry they won’t and the divide will enlarge.

    Once, in the middle of my mental health crisis, you reached out and offered to lend an ear if I needed it. I haven’t ever forgotten that Carmen. In thinking about the horrors you’re experiencing now, please know that I’m here for you too. Give me a call if you like. Anytime. I assume you have my number but if you don’t, let me know. Or I can call you.

    Same goes for you too Michael. I care a great deal about you both.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I woke up at 4 am and couldn’t get back to sleep worrying about the election. I took twenty deep breaths and let my mind drift away from the horrible thoughts intruding into my psyche and I was able to rest enough to get back to sleep.

    We all must hang in there and care for each other during this trying period of our shared history!

    Like

  3. I woke up at 4 am and couldn’t get back to sleep worrying about the election. I took twenty deep breaths and let my mind drift away from the horrible thoughts intruding into my psyche and I was able to rest enough to get back to sleep.

    We all must hang in there and care for each other during this trying period of our shared history!

    Liked by 1 person

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