Relief With an Undertone of Caution…and My Hate

November 9, 2020, Monday 5:33am

Well, it’s days later since the United States election has been called for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris and all I can say is…well, I’m not sure what to say. I want to be clever here, but I can’t. I feel much better. And to say I slept deeply for the first time in four years is an understatement, but nothing feels completely back on track. At least not yet.  

Something has definitely changed in the ethos.  Is that the right word? “Ethos” I don’t know.  But in the air. Something has definitely changed.

If I had to sum it up, I’d say it feels more like relief with an undertone of caution.

Yesterday, as I was watching TV, there was Mitt Romney – one of our Senators, a Republican doing what seasoned politicians do:  Talk a lot while saying absolutely nothing. Honestly, I don’t remember seeing him speak at length over the past four years on TV.  For a second I felt both happy that things looked back to “normal” and annoyed that he was at it again – being a dumb ass politician:  Still unable to just say straight up that Donald Trump was/is an ass. Period.

God, what I’d give to hear any sitting Republican grow a pair and just say what the entire world has known for years. I’m optimistic and open to being surprised, but doubtful that will happen any time soon.   

I was thinking yesterday of how much I’ve gone through, personally, in the past four years.  And the one thing I feel good about even more is finally letting people go in my life who don’t deserve to be there. Especially Trump folk.

This seems like an easy one. And anyone who knows me, knows I’m the Queen of dismissing people in my life who do not deserve to be in it. I will give people all the opportunity to prove me wrong and keep me in their life but it’s a survival mechanism that served me well as a child navigating what life had thrown my way as a little kid.  So, this isn’t so much about politics, but just about people I hateAnd yeah, you heard me right.  I said that – I HATE.

I HATE CERTAIN PEOPLE.              

I love how people get themselves all up in a frenzy when I say I “hate” anyone.  I always thought that was funny. People throw around the word “love” like it’s nothing, but then have some strange archaic idea that to “hate” is blasphemy.

Hmmm. I think more people need to be honest with how they really feel.  Just like anything else, we can be honest about our feelings and it doesn’t mean we’re horrible people for feeling it. It’s a natural part of the human make-up for goodness sake.  One of my favorites is when people say bullshit like, “I’m not jealous.”  Really?  Everyone is jealous of something or someone. If you are never jealous, then you’re not human.  What you really mean is – when you get jealous, you’ve learned how to deal with it.  That’s the clarity.  It’s what we do with our feelings and inner thoughts that matter. When I see a fabulous sista looking stunning, I’ll straight up just tell her – that’s how I deal with jealousy. I acknowledge it, then dispense of it by telling the person. It does two things: it gives someone a deserving compliment and it erases that initial sting of jealousy. You’ll never hear me talk about being jealous so someone — not because I never get jealous, but because I have learned how to deal with it, first by acknowledging it, then by doing something about it to keep me in JOY.

Acknowledging that we feel a certain way, is not a bad thing.  Admitting it actually helps me move forward.  Whether it’s an ex-boyfriend, an upstairs neighbor or people who believe in Trump, admitting that I hate them is putting them into a category in my life – a clear category – that allows me to not let them affect me anymore.  It really is that simple. When you really don’t care for someone, nothing they do is that significant any longer. It’s a feeling of nothingness. No attachment to what pain they try to cause you – it’s like a protective barrier comes up around your heart. A gate of sorts, only initiated and secured for all their shenanigans (hee! I love when I use new words – I honestly don’t think I’ve even said the word “shenanigans”, let alone write it! Ha!).

To be clear:  I don’t DO anything physical to anyone I hate, except to ignore them or to treat them with indifference.  And I love how people say this line too:  “Oh, you don’t hate anyone Carmen. You hate their behavior.”  My reaction is always the same, “Bitch, I’m grown. Don’t tell me what and how I feel.” 

And secondly, why is the standard for love so different than the standard we use for hate?  

I mean do we ever say, “Oh, you don’t love him, Sally. You love his behavior.”  Oh. My. God. It makes no sense. The cliché’s we’ve ingested as truth because… I have no idea where we come up with these things… that become part of our…ethos (I think I’m using that word correctly now, right?).  But let me be clear:  it’s all bullshittery.

I fell in love with this beautiful man many, many years ago. To say he was gorgeous is an understatement – both of spirit and physically.  Everything about him was sheer perfection – even down to his job. I mean, I could not have come up with the most “perfect” man if I tried.  I loved him. I loved his behavior. I loved everything about him.  And then, he started to exhibit other true-isms to who he was/is. He was distant. Dismissive. The biggest violation to me was he didn’t value our friendship enough to be honest. I could have handled the break-up — he’s not the first guy who has broken up with me – but that loss of friendship, is so sad. Simply, he disrespected me. In what felt like a minute, all that love that I had for this beautiful soul changed. I tried for years to retain our friendship, but it was impossible.

The irony here, is he’s a good man on the planet. And I still believe he’s a good soul, doing great work and I wish him well.  But as easily as I fell in love with him, I fell into hate after many years of his bullshittery. And that’s okay. But to pretend it’s not hate – disgust in his behavior, disappointment in his disrespect, and revulsion at his dismissiveness of our friendship is a truth – TO ME.  I hate all these things that make him who he is.  He also hasn’t apologized for anything he did. I honestly believe it’s because he’s so self-absorbed he doesn’t even see it.  I hate his behavior and the core of who I know him to be – TO ME.   I’m disappointed in him to this day and yes, I hate him for all of it: his behavior, his essence – even his voice is cringe-worthy to me now. 

Look, the definition of HATE is simply:  an intense or passionate dislike or someone.

Yeah, I intensely dislike that man and Trump folk. Period.  Does that sound better than saying, I hate him or I hate them?  Okay. But it’s the same thing.

So, yeah, I hate Trump folk. I hate their behavior. I hate that for the past four years I tried really hard, with his supporters, to understand, to explain, to walk them through.  I hated that I tried so hard even after Trump started his campaign saying that Mexicans were rapists and murderers — that was my line in the sand — to understand what they saw in this fool… for four years, I tried. I tried. I tried. 

I wish I could say I have a better relationship with that EX. But I don’t. We’re cordial when and if we do communicate for mostly business reasons. Until he apologizes, which means he’d have to understand what he did, take responsibility for his actions and what they did to me and everyone around me – then, because so much damage was done to that part of my heart, he’d have to do the work to prove to me, it would never happen again – until then, I will not be able to accept a mere “sorry” for ALL OF THIS. Too much damage has been done in all these years. He’d have to earn back that trust that he so easily dismissed and abused. I will never let him back into my life fully, if ever at all. And I will hate him, until he gives me reasons not too.

That’s exactly the same for Trump folk. Period.

10 thoughts on “Relief With an Undertone of Caution…and My Hate

      • After a phone chat with a good friend about this topic I must say sometimes I hate someone…the people I meet on the streets of my town the few times i go out to buy food (we are again in a almost lockdown now) who do not wear a mask, or wear it in a wrong way leaving their noise free and even more when they do not respect a minimum distance even when there is much space available…this is a total lack of respect for the others…not sure if I hate them but if not I?m very near to it! I’m in a risky age group and it is not such a sacrifice to wear a mask or stay one more meter distance !

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        • I think it’s okay to say that you “hate” them. Maybe you hate their behavior because you may not know them, but that’s fair. I think we put too much “heaviness” on the word “hate” and then throw the word “love” around like it’s nothing. I hate those folks too. It’s about consideration. It’s about being kind and considerate of your neighbor. And you tell me all I need to know about WHO YOU ARE when you choose NOT to wear a mask, not to social distance, and choose not to care about me and others… so, again, we’re so on the same page Robert. Hugs.

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  1. i can easily say I hate Nazis and all the people that support them, the Klu Klus Klan and white supremecists. I would also put in their people who say they like to grab women by their you know whats and men who think they’re better than women or anyone not born in America.
    Other than that I can’t think of many others, but give me time!

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  2. I don’t know where relationships with people on “the other side” will be like in the future. People I know, love voted for the other guy, and I hate to think they are advancing the vile and bile of the orange one. Reconciliation is extremely challenging work to do and it’s going to take some time to do it.


    • I’ve had to cut those people out. I did it before the election results and I’m glad I did. I gave them four years to figure it out and I’m done. I tried. But I totally understand what you’re saying and I think you have to try, till you can no longer see an opening. I hope reconciliation with the people you love works. I really do — it will give me hope my friend.


  3. No matter how perfect the world is there will be hate. Some mild like hating your food, but other bigger. It’s just wrong to say “don’t hate” because it’s real.
    I think it’s hypocrisy to say that you should only love. I bet they won’t be able to say they love someone who kidnap their love ones or robbed their house. Or shake hand and share love with an evil person.
    Anyway, great post. I hope positive changes comes soon.

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    • Thank you Jessica. Yeah, I see hate the same way I see love. It’s just another thing we feel. You’re right to bring up those great examples. Love is hard. But so isn’t hate. I think pretending you don’t hate is worse. Thank you again — I hope positive change comes soon too! Sending you a hug.

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