November 11, 2020, Wednesday 5:47am

In all the craziness these past few days I forgot to mention that I hurt myself pretty badly the other day attempting to do a handstand in my living room.

I know, I know. Ridiculous.

The pain is below the right butt cheek and midway above the back of the knee.  The “hamstring” as it’s called…it’s achier more than anything else – but I should not have done that spin class yesterday at all. What was I thinking?  It just made the pain that much worse.

I was telling a friend over zoom what I’d done and she looked at me as if I were an idiot for attempting a handstand at all. I regretted sharing it the minute it came out my mouth, so I steered the conversation elsewhere. Nothing like looking for compassion and getting reprimanded instead. SMH.

Truth is, I don’t believe the attempt at the handstand was the issue.

First, I would not have tried it if I wasn’t able to do it. I’m pretty fit for what it’s worth.  I could certainly lose some weight which I’ve decided to just start calling “the Covid-19/19”. Kind of like the “freshman 19” that happens to college students in their first year. Although, uhem, I don’t think my weight has changed all that much from last year, but whatevs – The point is, doing a handstand is in my wheel house, is all I’m saying!  (Ha!) 

The handstand was not the problem.  So, what was?  Why did I fail so miserably? How did I hurt myself ? 

The pain – and I felt it immediately – was immediate. I twisted my body, and my right leg went over my left in the air. I knew, by sheer pain, I had to come down. I managed to get down gently – the damage was done. 

For whatever reason, I tried to do it in the corner of my living room where on one side is a shelf and the other is my spin bike. I’ve never done it here before – what was I thinking? I have a small place – and although I can do a handstand, I need a wall to balance. Obviously, I wasn’t thinking! I just automatically chose this corner area and went for it. A place I know I didn’t feel comfortable in. I knew it was too small for what I needed and it felt like a mistake from the start.  I’ve always known it had no space for me to do anything else at all, but I tried it anyways…

Ugghh, I can’t help to think that’s some metaphor for my life…wow! My inner voice is telling me there’s more here to learn.

I believe in listening to your inner voice – the inner voice is just as important as other signals the body/brain gives us, and unfortunately so many times we don’t listen. I, on the other hand, credit listening to that voice most of the time and know it’s the reason why I made it through some difficult moments in my life.

People ask me a version of this all the time, “How did you get out of the situation you were in as a child? How did you know how to do A, B, and C? You were so young…”  – The answer is, I listened to my inner voice. I trusted that there was a reason it was voicing itself louder and louder during certain moments. I never disregard it and instead always tried to understand it. A good example would be: I’m being pressured to do something I don’t want to do because I’m scared, but my inner voice would be saying, “you gotta do it anyways.”  I would sit, think and analyze that voice over and over again until I felt I understood it.

Ever wonder why I’ve been writing in a journal since I was 12?  There it is. That’s why I started writing.

The inner voice matters. To me, it’s as important a function as learning to walk, learning to talk and read comprehension.  Few people focus on it. Rarely do we hear anyone talk to children about that inner voice and its power. Here’s the thing:  If you don’t develop the ability to hear it, to understand it, then generally you dismiss it. And it’s a shame – that inner voice was/is my saving grace.    

Losing my family structure as a kid forced me to question everything. And luckily someone once told me to listen to “my gut” (just another word for inner voice) and I clearly took it seriously and started paying attention. My inner voice has never steered me wrong, even if I’ve misunderstood it at times myself.

Here’s what my inner voice is telling me right now:  

Just because I’m talented at handling people’s finances or businesses, just because I have that skillset, doesn’t mean I need to use that talent in another place I’m not comfortable in.  Where I choose to use my skills, where I choose to do that handstand, matters.  I knew I shouldn’t have done that handstand in that corner space. Just as I know, deep in my soul, that I no longer want to help rich folk pay their bills. And yet, I automatically choose to keep putting myself in a corner, in a place I know I don’t feel comfortable in.  The amount of pain I endure doing a job I hate is far greater than any physical pain I’ve ever felt.  Something’s gotta change. And it starts with admitting that truth.

What I want to do is create. As an Actor, as a Writer. I want to help others be their best selves in whatever field they’ve chosen to be in – and I want to help inspire people to do that.  I want to share all my skills, talents, and experiences to walk people through. I want to stay in this space of joy and teach others that even in the worst of times, you can find a light and walk on through to the other side. 

I’m in some pain this morning for sure –  but taking a bad moment and seeing the blessing in it, is kind of my thing. I friggin’ love that about myself. 

Carmen