August 1, 2021

Sunday 6:04am

I started writing a couple of posts for my blog this past week and I don’t like any of them this morning… 

I kind of feel like those two trees (actually bushes) in the planters I moved from my old apartment. It’s been a few months and they both sit there outside my front window. One is adjusting decently – not thriving – but just doing okay. The other is near death, if not dead already.  I don’t know how it happened, but one tree got some sort of disease that’s hurt the soil and the plant is just not holding enough water…the other, is hanging in there. But both are not great. Things could definitely be better.

Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel. Things could certainly be better.

One part of me is firmly planted, ready for what’s next and the other part of me is struggling. Feeling unsure about it all and certainly needing some sort of help.  Hmmm…

About four weeks ago I met the new gardener and asked him if he could help me with these trees (bushes). He mentioned that the plants needed new soil and that he’d be happy to take care of it.  He quoted me a fair enough price for the soil and the labor. I gave him the cash up front and he said he’d be back next week. He’s the gardener for the building. He hasn’t been back in four weeks…today will be exactly four weeks.  I’m hoping he comes today.

I don’t care about the money. My gut says, at worst, he’ll have conveniently forgotten since he didn’t actually come back when he said he would. Another part of me thinks something’s happened – what apartment complex would only have someone come once a month? 

And yes, it’s possible I was too quick to give the money upfront for services not rendered.  I should have waited till he actually bought the soil and did the work. But I like having faith in people. I like giving people the benefit of the doubt.  I like trusting people and believing in a world where we’re mostly good to each other. Plus, the way I see it – finding out someone is not trustworthy is worth what little cash I gave him upfront. That’s actually priceless.

If he doesn’t come today and I don’t get the help I need for these planters, I’m going to have to find another way. The on-going story of my trek in life… 

When I think about my life journey, I generally feel more positive than negative. I tend to be an optimist, always looking for the light and never giving in.  But today, this entire week really, as I’ve walked by this sad tree I realize that if the gardener doesn’t come today to help with this situation, I’ll have to figure out a new way. That really is the only option. And I’ll have to do it myself. Again. Maybe start over with new plants?  I don’t even have the money for all of that but getting something that might thrive here in this mostly sunless area, might be a better option.  I’m not a gardener (clearly) or a plant aficionado in the least bit. I’m also not rich so I won’t be able to afford to pay someone else. Bums me out really.  The idea that I’ll have to figure it out on my own and try and fix it, just feels exhausting today. And sad. Honestly, I don’t want to do it. I just want someone else to fix it… just this once. I hope the gardener shows up today.

But I also know that sometimes, that’s how life is. Life can and sometimes will be, disappointing. And what I always try to remember is that when things are tough or exhausting or just plain discouraging, there’s always room for what inevitably happens next if you keep on walking through…an easier moment will come. Satisfaction will take hold and happiness will find it’s way back. When I’m feeling down, I try to remember that joy will return. And when it does, I’ll be ready to embrace it fully!   

I’m holding out for all of that.   

With hope,

Carmen