Change is not always a good thing.
Change does not need to always be hard.
Change is taking another direction.
Change is a different perspective.
Change is disrupting the current trajectory.
Change is inevitable.
When I was a little kid, pre-teen, I fought against change. I wanted stability and it was nowhere to be found. I would have temper tantrums and tear daily because I had to move “there” or be “okay” going or staying somewhere I didn’t want to be – and somehow the newness of it all would break my soul. And I’d cry. I’d bang my head against the table or I’d curl up in a fetal position and stay completely still – numb.
Those were the hardest days of my entire life. Feeling so alone. Feeling so out of control. Being told what I had to do and no one cared what I wanted. I hated change. I wanted a routine. I wanted sameness – it didn’t matter what it was, but predictability is what I craved. That feeling though – of helplessness, loss of control…it never leaves you. Once you’ve gone to those depths of such intense inner pain of never feeling settled, it never seems to go away. You’re always ancy, always on guard, always suspicious… it’s a terrible way to be constantly.
And then one day, out of sheer numbness to the world, I decided I didn’t care. Whatever they wanted, what they told me to do, whatever the world wanted I wouldn’t even bother fighting it anymore because I just couldn’t. I was so tired. So wrecked inside. As a little kid, wrecked (even as I write that now, it makes me so sad for younger me).
I remember the day. I was forced to go to a camp. It sounds harmless enough now, but remember I was a child. Twelve. I had no dad. My mom had just died and the people who were taking care of me – treated me like a burden, like an afterthought, and from my little kid’s point of view – hated me. No one talked to me, no one asked my opinion. I was forced to go to this camp. And all I knew is it was taking me from rehearsals, from performing, from dancing, from the streets, from my friends – from the only thing I knew and loved. I also knew it took me out of their hair, so they didn’t have to bother taking care of me. I thought about running away, again. But at some point, it was all too late. I was forced to get on the bus when it came to the corner to pick up all the other kids.
Sitting on that bus, that day, is still embedded in my memory. I cried quietly, alone in a seat, staring out the window as the bus went along… I thought about how I’d run away once we got to wherever it was we were going… and then, something brilliant happened, I made a friend. A camp counselor named “Marcus”. That story is detailed in my book CANELA, starting on page 64.
What I learned is that sometimes when change is upon you, if you go with it, especially when you truly have no power to force it from happening, it can sometimes show you a different path, a different perspective. It doesn’t mean you have to like it or honor it, but it can provide information to help you walk on through. Fighting change, only keeps you fighting. It does nothing to change the circumstance. I’m now in this mode when change comes unwelcomed to my doorstep: How can I get through this to the other side?
And now, I embrace change. I can see change coming. I force change in my life all the time. I don’t stay in situations that are toxic, I don’t stay in jobs that are not worthy of my presence, I push people away rapidly if they show signs that go against my sensibilities… the list goes on and on. I leap into change daily. Change has now become one of my superpowers.
And this quote is completely true:
“The only constant in life is change.” By the Greek Philosopher, Heraclitus
For me, good or bad, I try and look at change as a gift. If you can get comfortable with the concept that change is always, every day a part of our lives, then it won’t frighten you as much. Whether good or bad, you’ll see that you can walk on through it. And sometimes, more times than not actually, you may find that change is actually a very good thing.
Change can be a good thing.
Change can be easy.
Change is going in a better direction.
Change shows another brilliant perspective.
Change is disrupting stagnation.
Change is inevitable.
Make handling change, your super-power.
Till next time.