Sunday, January 29, 2023

1:53am

I hate when I can’t sleep. It’s the overthinking, it’s the sheer inability to find peace in my brain to just rest… I hate it.

What’s going on? Well, there’s no doubt the senseless killing of a young black man by police is weighing on my soul.. again. I didn’t watch the video…yet.

Work is overwhelming and although I believe there’s a gift in having that kind of complaint when I know so many are out of work and looking, the environment is stressful and toxic. I don’t do toxic.  So, I’m in a bit of a bind and wondering how to navigate it for a bit longer before something changes.  And yes, I’m aware something has to change. This is unsustainable.

I’ve just come to a place in my life where I hate nonsense people. Whether it’s cops or other people saying “not all police” or “most cops are good” it’s just beyond my comprehension at this point. If I were a cop, I would quit. I just wouldn’t associate myself with such an organization that doesn’t see it as a cancer.  When we try and kill cancer cells, we don’t differentiate between cancer cells when trying to rid the body of the disease. The police have always been a cancer. They have always been a more negative entity than good. I’ve never fully trusted the police and I suspect most Black and Brown people never have – not like White folk. I trust firemen, though. But not cops. What’s worse than the bad cops, is other cops who stand in silence. I mean, sure, some are speaking out on this issue, but…. Not enough. Not loudly enough. There’s no massive shift, no massive outrage.  Cops don’t protect and serve. They protect themselves for sure, but they don’t serve Black and Brown people well at all. Clearly, not even Black cops…

I think right now that’s the same thing with work. I have several clients. I’m a bit overloaded and will have to get rid of one shortly. I think the reason I’m having a difficult time sleeping is because in a lot of ways I see such similarities in these situations. It’s the lack of truly understanding people. The lack of compassion for the people that work with you… The pretending bullshit that you know everything and no one else knows a damn thing. It’s the abuse of power because the boss pays everyone so everyone has to take the bullshit.  Perceived power and the pretend authority. Toxic, toxic, toxic.

It’s not real power. It’s not real authority. There is no true command of the situation because people only obey because they have a gun to their heads and even then, they still can’t catch a break…  As I just wrote that sentence, who am I talking about? Bad cops or toxic bosses? See, what I mean? My head is swirling, and I just can’t sleep. You have power because you carry a gun. Or your have power to be a bad boss because you pay people and they need to eat and pay their bills? I’m so tired of stupid people. All kinds of stupid people…

What I do know is that I don’t have the power to change everyone else, no matter how much I wish I could. I always say, “If I had a magic wand…”. But I can change myself and my situation to the best of my ability and for now, continue to trudge on through as best I can. That’s all I got.

The toxic work environment will change. It has too. I’m working on different ways to deal with that, one of them being, letting go of one of my clients, which happens this week, to accommodate an easier working life.  The goal, of course, is to stop doing this kind of work altogether – and on that end, I’m on my way, so we’ll see. 

As far as cops go… I’ve been dealing with that my whole life. I don’t know what else I can do but still be supportive of Black and Brown people and do my best to support those in the fight of it all.  The ACLU, the Color of Change, and anything Colin Kaepernick are my go-to’s. I do my best to protect my soul and my heart. I didn’t watch the killing and murder of Tyre Nichols. But, the truth is, I don’t have to. I know the cruelty of cops. All I can do is what I can – and today, that means praying for his family and friends. And praying for all those that will be involved getting justice for this man.

I’m feeling a little tired now. I don’t know. I might just go crawl back into bed and try to go back to sleep…

Carmen

*Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com