I Wish I Could Sleep

Sunday, January 29, 2023


I hate when I can’t sleep. It’s the overthinking, it’s the sheer inability to find peace in my brain to just rest… I hate it.

What’s going on? Well, there’s no doubt the senseless killing of a young black man by police is weighing on my soul.. again. I didn’t watch the video…yet.

Work is overwhelming and although I believe there’s a gift in having that kind of complaint when I know so many are out of work and looking, the environment is stressful and toxic. I don’t do toxic.  So, I’m in a bit of a bind and wondering how to navigate it for a bit longer before something changes.  And yes, I’m aware something has to change. This is unsustainable.

I’ve just come to a place in my life where I hate nonsense people. Whether it’s cops or other people saying “not all police” or “most cops are good” it’s just beyond my comprehension at this point. If I were a cop, I would quit. I just wouldn’t associate myself with such an organization that doesn’t see it as a cancer.  When we try and kill cancer cells, we don’t differentiate between cancer cells when trying to rid the body of the disease. The police have always been a cancer. They have always been a more negative entity than good. I’ve never fully trusted the police and I suspect most Black and Brown people never have – not like White folk. I trust firemen, though. But not cops. What’s worse than the bad cops, is other cops who stand in silence. I mean, sure, some are speaking out on this issue, but…. Not enough. Not loudly enough. There’s no massive shift, no massive outrage.  Cops don’t protect and serve. They protect themselves for sure, but they don’t serve Black and Brown people well at all. Clearly, not even Black cops…

I think right now that’s the same thing with work. I have several clients. I’m a bit overloaded and will have to get rid of one shortly. I think the reason I’m having a difficult time sleeping is because in a lot of ways I see such similarities in these situations. It’s the lack of truly understanding people. The lack of compassion for the people that work with you… The pretending bullshit that you know everything and no one else knows a damn thing. It’s the abuse of power because the boss pays everyone so everyone has to take the bullshit.  Perceived power and the pretend authority. Toxic, toxic, toxic.

It’s not real power. It’s not real authority. There is no true command of the situation because people only obey because they have a gun to their heads and even then, they still can’t catch a break…  As I just wrote that sentence, who am I talking about? Bad cops or toxic bosses? See, what I mean? My head is swirling, and I just can’t sleep. You have power because you carry a gun. Or your have power to be a bad boss because you pay people and they need to eat and pay their bills? I’m so tired of stupid people. All kinds of stupid people…

What I do know is that I don’t have the power to change everyone else, no matter how much I wish I could. I always say, “If I had a magic wand…”. But I can change myself and my situation to the best of my ability and for now, continue to trudge on through as best I can. That’s all I got.

The toxic work environment will change. It has too. I’m working on different ways to deal with that, one of them being, letting go of one of my clients, which happens this week, to accommodate an easier working life.  The goal, of course, is to stop doing this kind of work altogether – and on that end, I’m on my way, so we’ll see. 

As far as cops go… I’ve been dealing with that my whole life. I don’t know what else I can do but still be supportive of Black and Brown people and do my best to support those in the fight of it all.  The ACLU, the Color of Change, and anything Colin Kaepernick are my go-to’s. I do my best to protect my soul and my heart. I didn’t watch the killing and murder of Tyre Nichols. But, the truth is, I don’t have to. I know the cruelty of cops. All I can do is what I can – and today, that means praying for his family and friends. And praying for all those that will be involved getting justice for this man.

I’m feeling a little tired now. I don’t know. I might just go crawl back into bed and try to go back to sleep…


*Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

4 thoughts on “I Wish I Could Sleep

  1. I have been switching channels whenever a news program starts talking about the depravity caused by the police in Memphis, Tenn. I too will not view the video but will sometimes focus on the picture of the young man who had so much to offer our world.
    As far as sleep goes, I take deep breaths while lying in bed and slowly count to 20. I often hold the count longer depending on the invading thoughts that rush in despite my best efforts to subdue and keep them in check.
    It doesn’t always work but I feel a little more refreshed and somehow find that several minutes have passed by.
    Hang in there my dear. Try to find the rest you desire within yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you. I did fall asleep after writing that. And, I will try that technique tonight when it happens again that I can’t stay asleep. Thank you for that. I have no words for cops right now. I honestly don’t know what to do but pray. 🙏🏽🥺

      Liked by 1 person

      • Maybe prayer is all that’s left. I can’t watch that video either, and won’t. It hurts too much to watch innocent people being brutalized as he was. I can’t even imagine how his family – particularly his mother – must feel. I know how I would feel – and I’m afraid my reaction would put me behind bars.

        I have so many angry thoughts at the moment, but feel the futility of writing them.

        So I meditate and pray.

        You wrote this on Sunday and it’s now Tuesday. I hope things went well with your work situation, or will go well if your plan hasn’t happened yet. One thing I can say for sure: life is just way too short to put up with anything that robs you of joy.

        I’ll keep you in my thoughts, Carmen.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thank you Wolfie. I’m still working on the “work” issue, but it’s better today for sure. I hear you on life being too short — and… yeah, the anger. It’s so hard. But yes, I’m working on getting to be where I need to be — thank you for your support and kindness, I appreciate you! Sending you a hug!

          Liked by 1 person


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