We All Fit Somewhere – Journal Entry 10.22.15

Enjoy listening to my journal entry from today, or just read it below — either way, thank you for stopping by! 


Baseball CarmenWhen I think of my life I feel so disappointed.  Stuck. Unfulfilled.  I see a lot of loss. Sadness.  I remember the good and that I had moments of joy, but what resonates with me is mostly the loss, the heartache, the unfulfilled dreams.

And here’s the strange part:

I feel like all of that may be a good thing.  I mean, I wish I had already accomplished my goals, but I think if life is completely satisfying and all your goals have been met, then maybe you’re closer to death than you realize?  So, it’s a good thing. Or it can be?  My frustration is that it feels like it’s taking forever for me to accomplish some basic things, that’s all.  But, I also realize, that my journey is something I need to embrace.  I’m choosing to embrace it. All of it.

For what it’s worth, I never thought I’d make it this far. My past says I shouldn’t have gotten this far. I should have been dead by my early teens.  Simply, I know I should’ve been a statistic.  And honestly, with all the obstacles along the way, I’m surprised I’m here too.  Grateful.  But completely-totally surprised.

I used to think death would be a welcomed relief.  I felt so alone, so daunting in my struggles, so helpless.  But the truth is I also love this life. I do.  No matter what I’ve been through as a kid, no matter what I go through now as an adult, I find myself in a place of joy – loving this life.  No. Matter. What.  And I started to wonder, why?

I love people and I their moments of pure kindness.  I love their thoughtfulness.  I love that no matter how bad a day can get, you can find a silver lining even in the worst of moments.  I love that the that essence of good, always outwits even the most evil of situations.  It does.  Good does trump bad. All the time. It may not happen as fast as I’d like, or as clearly as I’d like, but at the end of the day, goodness does always win. I see it.

And I love who I am. I know – its so weird.  But inspite of it all, I always have.   My body changes, my fears grow, my pain is deeper, my frustration – lengthy and yet, at the end of the day, I am so good!  I know I’m smart – even if it’s just street smart and not book smart, it matters so much to be intelligent this way.   And I love that I care.  I care so much about the world and about others. And as much as I feel pain deeper, I feel joy extraordinarily!   My frustration is because I know I’m not being the BEST me I can be – and when that happens, when I’m being my ultimate best, I know I can help another person.  I can change the world when I’m at my full potential.  And not being at my full potential scares me.

I turned out amazingly brilliant.  Of this I’m sure.  Normally I wouldn’t toot my own horn, but I need to do this. I need to remind myself of how great I am.  And that ultimately I’m doing okay.

I love this life.  And although I’m not great at puzzles or figuring out formulas, I know I fit somewhere in this maze.  More importantly, I know we all do.  We all fit somewhere.  And even though we all have these goals that sometimes feel so daunting and so unreachable – the fact is that life may just be all about the process of walking through.  Always searching for the light even in the loneliest of moments, even in the most extraordinary moment of pain –  finding the light must be the thing. It’s my only constant.

It may be cliché, but I truly believe that getting knocked down is normal, but finding your way back up is courageous.  There’s no doubt that I feel knocked down more days than I feel courageous, but  once you get up after falling – it doesn’t get easier, but you do get sort of used to it.  So I’m starting to view my “failures” my “knocked down” moments as “just another day” and I don’t dig the hole deeper – I just let it be what it is.

And then I get back up.  I brush it off, and I get back up.

So here’s the glorious part of what I know for sure:  Getting up, gives me more moments of SHINE.  Getting back up and brushing it off makes me feel like “it” didn’t win.  And like the lottery, you can’t win if you’re not playing – so getting back up, makes me feel like I’m back in the game.  And damn it, if I’m not going to win eventually.

Keep going…

 

It’s grey.

Suffocating.

Lonely.

No matter how hard you try to see clearly, it’s hazy at best, a dimness from above that borders on complete darkness.

If you look to the right side, there’s just a wall.  You can’t go anywhere.  You try to look to your left, thinking there might be a possibility if you change what you’ve been doing and nope; the wall is there too.

All you can do is sit where you are, in the greyness that is.  Maybe you can move slightly forward or slightly back, but the only way to go — no matter how beaten up and bruised you may feel – is up.  Following the hazy dimness, not matter how doubtful it may seem. But your energy is shot.  You’re tired of trying.  Numbness rules.

No, I don’t know what you’re exactly going through, but I’ve been there before.  I call it “The Hole”.

And when you’re “in it” you feel like you can’t get out.  You feel like there’s no possibility at all – and certainly no one could possibly understand.  The Hole is always deep, and the walls aren’t easy to climb, and no words of wisdom will help.  You wish someone could help. You pray.  You ask the Universe to guide you, you ask God to save you.  You live in there for days, weeks maybe even months, trying desperately to muster up an ounce of hope to start the climb out once more.

But you’re right.  I can’t help you.  If I could, you know I would.  All I can tell you is — my journey has seen its share of The Hole.  I fall into it all the time.  I think it’s part of what life’s all about.  Ebbs and flows.  Not that we have to always be in The Hole per se, but that the learning moment is in understanding to maneuver around them to begin with, or to figure out more quickly how to get out of them once we step into them all over again.

And it doesn’t matter how you get IN The Hole either.  Yes, it could be someone else’s fault, yes, it could be your own.  The point is, how do you get out of it now?  How do you avoid it in the future?  Or my latest triumph: learning NOT to dig yourself in deeper?

One of my favorite quotes is by Winston Churchill.  You know this – I’ve shared it with you many times.  But every time I fall into The Hole, I recite this to myself no matter how deep I fall:

“When you’re going through hell, keep going.” 

I need you to keep going.