Therapy Session: Life Changes

Therapy Session: Life ChangesZuma Beach 2017

Carmen: Honestly, I don’t know what’s wrong. Everything. Nothing. On the one hand, I know I have nothing to be complaining about. On the other, all I want to do is scream. It’s all just jibberish. Never mind.

Dr. Mei: How about if you stop over-analyzing what you’re going to say, and just say it?  Let me hear it and I’ll tell you if I think it’s jibberish or not. Deal?

Carmen: Okay.  Deal.  Uhm. Well, simply last week I was sure I’d be pitching my TV drama idea based on my book but I didn’t finish it. You know, detailing out all the characters and such. I wanted to be so organized, so ready and I’m not. Then, I got it in my head that I should pitch an idea I had on cultural criticism to a magazine that’s looking for new writers and so I started working on that.  I’ve outlined my second book – and started writing another chapter — I saw an audition online and wondered if I should submit – then I thought I should contact my agent to start sending me out or get a new agent because –  what the fudge, right? They haven’t sent me out at all. It’s annoying. Uggh.  I applied for a grant a while back and decided to follow through on the play part of the proposal. Plus it’s still something I want to do.  I “owe” two podcasts – based on my self-imposed schedule – I mean, what is wrong with me? Why do I think I can do all of this? And why can’t I do all of this?  Why am I feeling overwhelmed when this is everything I’ve been asking to do all along?

Dr. Mei:  First, take a breath. A deep breath.  Good.  Now, it seems like a lot, but why do you think you’re not doing it?

Carmen:  Well, if I’m being honest, I realize for the first time in my life I’m living my dream. For all these years I’ve worked a job I hated – yeah, I’ll say hated, without hesitation.  Even more than the work itself,  I hated the people I worked for.  I mean, now that I can look back, most of the people I handled money for were bitter, old-minded, entitled privileged lazy people. Ungrateful. And constantly complaining about how hard their life was and the worst:  they always “announced” how much they did for everyone else – which for the record, was write a check. Write a check from money they never had to earn by the way.  Anyone can write a check if they have money.  But it takes a real kind of person to take credit for doing bullshit.  I think I hated that the most. The god-damn boasting about how much money they gave to such and such… But I digress. I ultimately hated the work itself.

So, here I am, now, getting up every day working as a creative entity. I wrote my book, I’m doing some speaking events, I’m writing — exploring every day what it feels like to be a writer.  I can’t lie, it’s taken me some time to get into the groove of things. I mean, when I rehearsed as a kid, as a dancer, I was on schedule.  And, it’s taken me some time to FEEL like this is right, but I can’t lie. I’m scared.  I just am!

I fear I’m going to do all this work and nothing will come of it.  I mean, that’s not why you’re supposed to do ART in the first place, right? You’re supposed to create ART authentically because you can’t do anything else. But what if I share all of this, what if I pitch this or that or write a second book and no one cares?  What if I put so much into all of it and I get rejected, dismissed – or worse, what if I hear nothing at all?  What if I do all this and I still can’t pay the bills? What am I thinking?

I really can look at my entire life and see it that way. Nothing I’ve wanted has ever come to fruition. I’ve failed at everything I ever wanted even if I succeeded at everything else.  My entire life up until this point has always been to do the right thing. To be the good girl. To never be a bother.  And even still – with all of my effort of always being of service to others, of always being honest and kind…why haven’t I succeeded in all the things I’ve wanted?  Why try this? I’m just setting myself up for more heartache, right?  And which one of these things should I be pursuing?  What is wrong with me that I think I should be doing 5 things at a time?  And have I lost my mind? Do I think money grows on trees somewhere?

Dr. Mei:  Well, two things come to mind that I’d like to share.  Maybe three. First, take a breath.  I’m not saying that because it’s what I tell everyone – I’m saying that because I don’t think you notice how you hold your breath and tense up when you speak.  Your passion, your concern are formidable, but that stress is mounting and I can SEE it in you.  So first, take a nice long deep breath.

Second. I love how you said you’ve “failed”.  You realize you’re not done, yet, right?  You get that it’s not over yet.  As I know you, as I’ve read in your book, you haven’t failed at anything that was put in your path.  Most people see you as a success.  But you feel like you’ve failed at the things you want in life. I get that. But you’re wrong.  The problem isn’t that you failed Carmen. The problem is that you haven’t even started yet. 

You feel like a failure because you’ve been pursuing other people’s needs and joys.  You’ve never followed your true North.  You moved to Los Angeles and took a job doing bookkeeping because you knew it’d be better money than being a waiter, plus you’d never last waiting on people.  But it was the plan till you could get yourself stabilized to pursue your creative career.  Things continued on from there and the jobs got more important and impressive – and they got even more miserable with every day that went on.  My goodness, you wrote a book in the midst of so much misery in the job you had while working through past pain of your childhood!  That’s pretty remarkable. I can’t wait to read the second book for that reason alone!

Third, and maybe most importantly, you’re here now.  THIS was your path to get here.  You needed to travel that road to get to THIS point.  None of it was a waste of time – and none of it was really in your control.  This is LIFE happening.  You can only do what you know how to do when you actually KNOW how to do it.  You couldn’t be anything else other than who you were then, to be who you are NOW. This is the journey you’re on.  And so far, it’s been pretty interesting to say the least. Aren’t you excited to see what’s next? I am. I can’t wait to see what you do from here.

Let’s talk about rejection.  Or my other favorite quip you said, “…or worse, hear nothing at all.”  Whatever it is, fear of being rejected, to make a mistake, to let people down, to not make enough money to make a living, whatever.  Rejection is hard.  Doesn’t matter how many times you’ve gone through it, doesn’t matter how used to it you think you are – rejection is difficult.  Got it?

By the way, welcome to the club.

Yes. It’s a club.  We’ve all been there at least once in our lives.  You’re at a crossroad and instead of choosing which path to take, you’re standing at the head of all the choices in front of you hoping someone will you push you down the “right” path.

Look, everyone wishes Steven Spielberg will run into them at the local coffee shop and be so stunned by their mere presence that he asks you to his office because you’re his next lead in his upcoming movie.  People dream of Oprah calling them on the phone and saying, I read your book and you’re one of my favorite things… yes, we all want that. Someone to validate us, someone to walk us through.  It would be easier…

I’m not Steven Spielberg, but let me help shove you down a path anyways.  Write the TV Script, do the pitch, write the second book, do the acting, the podcast, the blog, do the magazine cover – DO ALL OF IT!  Do the speaking events, teach, write, dance – all of it IS WHO YOU ARE.  It’s who you’ve always been even while doing everything else.  That’s what’s so impressive.  IT’S YOUR TRUE NORTH Carmen.  You’re a story-teller, a performer.  Do you need evidence? Okay – here’s some off the top of my head:  Steve Cadwell said, “You write like Hemingway: every word true to the bare bone fact of how you experienced it. Compelling!”  That was October 21st, 2018.  Right?  You sent me the email because you were so happy.

Need more? I can rattle off the names, the people – some you know, some you don’t who have already told you about your writing.  But just looking at your face I can sense your disbelief.

Tell me what you’re thinking right now.

Carmen: I’m thinking they’re all just being nice. Overly generous.

Dr. Mei: Okay. Let’s go with that. Let’s pretend that all the accolades thus far have been people “just being nice” to you.  For the record, that’s a complete untruth, but let’s just go with it.  So what?  Then just do it because it’s what’s next.  Do it because you have no reason NOT too. Do it because you’ve been given numerous “signs” that you should.  Do it because NOT doing it guarantees failure and regret. Do it because it makes you happy. Do it because I’m telling you, this is so much closer to your true North than anything else you’ve done in the past 20 years. Do it because even when you talk about the struggle of it, you still sound lighter and happier than any time you’ve talked about any other work you’ve ever done.  Do it because the worst possible thing that can happen is that you took the shot, it didn’t work out and you go about and do something else.  I don’t see how that’s a bad thing.

Carmen:  Yeah. I know. Everything you said, is true. I know all of this. The weird part is, I’m excited. I’m excited about all of it.  And it’s mixed with a tinge of fear. But when I think of going back to my old life – the only word I can come up with is dread.  Absolute dread.

Dr. Mei: You’ve already leaped Carmen. You’re in the air right now –in the midst of it all.  Don’t worry about how you’ll land.  Stop looking to land just yet.  For now, keep doing the work. Keep flying high on the joy it brings you. No matter how you land, you’ll be fine.  My guess is, you’ll be better than fine.

Carmen:  You know what’s so funny and sad at the same time? I went and saw the new Avengers movie and there’s a line in it that made me wince – I just couldn’t believe I had just heard this. I promise, no spoilers. Have you seen it yet?  It doesn’t matter.  This line gives away nothing to the movie. But the character says something like: “Everyone fails at who they’re supposed to be. A measure of a person is how well they succeed at being who they are.”

What I really thought in that moment:  I’ve gone mad crazy. I’m so ridiculous I’m even getting “signs” from action movies. Don’t get me wrong, I love movies, it’s just…crazy, right?

Dr. Mei: Well, that’s one way to look at it. Or, the way I see it – the universe is trying to push you down a path in every way possible.  And if not the universe, then you’re inner-self for sure. You’re seeing what you need to see.  You’re hearing what you need to hear.  Whether you choose to listen is another thing. It’s like that clip you like in the show the West Wing. The episode is Take This Sabbeth Day, remember?  It may be a bit too religious for this moment, but it’s on point. Choose to take all the signs your getting – the most important sign is that YOU want to do all of this. If you had all the money in the world, THIS is who you’d be, right?  Failure wouldn’t be such a big deal then. It’d be just a bump in the road to still doing what you want to do.  And seriously, when have you EVER allowed money to be the reason you chose to do anything at all?  To define you?  To stop you from doing what you want to do?  Don’t start now.  This is the best part!  Enjoy the ride. It’s just getting started.

Carmen:  Yeah!  You’re right. Oh my goodness. Yes!

Dr. Mei: Till next time, then?

Carmen: Yes!  Thank you so much.

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West Wing Clip: Take this Sabbath

Forced to Write

I have been writing regularly since I was about 13 or 14 years old. bitmoji-20190328072744

I remember how it started. I had been told by an authority figure – a teacher or a therapist – I can’t remember which one — that I needed to start writing every day.  They were trying to force me to write about my feelings so I would deal with my mom’s passing because I wasn’t dealing with it at all.  I was just rehearsing all the time.

[Enjoy the rest of the transcription by reading below, or click on the podcast]:

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In a lot of ways it was bad that they were trying to force me to write because, as with anything, when you force a kid or actually an adult as well, to try to do something – the first thing you want to do is be defensive and not do it at all.

But what it did do, is exposed me to a possibility.  And that possibility to get up every day and write in a journal – has been my saving grace.

Now I’m not an advocate of forcing people to write every day, or to do whatever it is I think works for me…

I do think being able to take time out for yourself every day is really important – especially in this world and in this time where everything seems so stressful.  We have so much technology around us — and you know — I always kind of giggle at people who pay so much money to do yoga, and meditate —  we’re actually paying for quiet and silent sometimes.

So, for me at 4:30 or 5 O’clock in the morning, I’m having my coffee and I have my sketchbook out and I hand write because that’s what I do.  That’s how I start my day and I rarely ever missed that no matter what.  Even if I’m traveling.  I tend to like to “hand” write because I like the texture from the paper and a pen.

I have a kind-of system that every year around my birthday I shred all of those sketchbooks or documents or whatever I’ve been using.  That’s just been something I’ve always done.

I think it’s harder for me to write on a computer in a “journal-entry” kind-of form.  If I switch gears in my head and call it creative writing then I’m able to do it a little bit better.  But it’s not the same thing.  It’s not the same therapeutic kind-of process that I do every morning.

The reason why I shred journals every year is because sometimes when I sit back and read them –  they are just horrendous, or bad, or just they’re kind-of gibberish.  And there just kind of process…

Sometimes I’m working through problems, or anger things, or happy things that I never would want anyone to know about.  And there is also that — there is the ability, and the want to make sure that it’s always private.  It’s just for me. It’s not for anybody else unless I choose to share certain things about it – and I have in the past, taking pictures of my journal entries at times and posted up as a journal.  You can find them here in my blog post – but that also takes a lot of work too because I have to go back and reread it and I’m very careful about how I’m writing it.  Yeah it’s just a different mindset.

As always, I just like to share these things. I would love to hear how you go about giving yourself time every day — that would be fantastic to know – how some people make sure they find time throughout the day to meditate,  to think,  to create or to just “BE”.

As always, I hope you have a sweet day. I appreciate you stopping by, and I’ll be back again real soon.

Bye,

Carmen

My Baggage is Bigger Than Your Baggage

I’m not a big fan of recapping the prior year and making resolutions in the New Year. The analyzing of the prior year ends up making me reflect on things that went well, but also on things that went “not-so-well” and future resolutions always seems too dreamy to me.  Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great to have goals, but I think on-going betterment of the self on a daily basis is a better strategy. At least for me.

With that said, I can’t help but share a few fascinating things that I’ve incorporated into my everyday life  that has really put me in a whole new frame of mind.  I’m on a different playing field now and things just feel better.  It didn’t happen overnight, but when I see where I am right now in my life and look back at where I started, I feel like some of these basic choices/tools might be similar to what others have done or are doing – and if you haven’t done them yet, maybe this might help get you started.

Life is Good

Eliminate the “wishy-washy people” out of your life.

This seems like a no brainer when talking about people who physically abuse you, or emotionally hurt you.  But even the subtle people are obvious to me now.  We all know the type: the big talker, the name dropper, the “let’s do lunch” cliché-ism that infests most of Hollywood and Wall Street.  But I’m also talking about the “I’m so busy” people.  The “I’m finding myself” people.  The overly “spiritual” “life coached” folks  — you know, the ones who call themselves “enlightened” but are actually just idiots?  I’ve said this before: truly enlightened people never say they’re enlightened.  People who brag about how Yoga or meditation have changed their “being” and yet, they still treat the waiter or the janitor like they’re below them?  Yeah, I’ve gotten rid of all of these people in my daily life.  Anyone who remotely annoys me on any level, I’ve just stopped. I don’t respond to them, I don’t initiate communication – I just let them be.  They have no effect on me whatsoever.

And here’s the great thing about walking away from people who do not add to your livelihood –when you eliminate people out of your life who cause you more harm than good, new people show up.  And you feel excited by the possibility of a new relationships and new moments.  Now, it may be that these folks don’t work out either, but it’s exciting and new – and for me, I made three great new friends this year.  Surprisingly, I would have never met them had I not walked away from “people” that were not adding to my life’s breath.

Do what feels right to you! 

I always ask people for their opinion. I do. I like to cover all my bases.  It makes me feel in control if I get as much information as possible and then make a decision. That’s not bad thing to do. And it’s why I’m good at my work – whether creatively or in my consulting business.  But, at the end of the day, going with my gut, always prevails.  Always. I don’t care if Stephen Hawking himself tells me I’m wrong about something, I’m going to go with my gut anyways.  Now, you should know the consequences of your actions and be willing to accept them, but when you do this, when you listen to – what I like to call – God’s whisper, some call it an inner voice, a gut feeling – you’re making a choice based on all your experiences, all your knowledge and all your inner knowing of things. There’s something powerful in that.

Now, that doesn’t mean at times it doesn’t work out.  But, the cool thing is, when you listen to your inner voice, your gut, you tend to have no regrets, even if it doesn’t work out.  But, if you went against the grain, went against what you believed, then it’s more likely that whatever choice you made would be regrettable.

Love and embrace your baggage!  

Lately I’ve been listening to people talk about “baggage”.  Life coaches, therapists and gurus tell you all the time that you need to get rid of your “baggage” or deal with your “baggage”.  It always seems so negative.  I’ve always seen my baggage as evidence of the journey I’ve been on.  I wouldn’t trust anyone who didn’t have baggage, because it would mean they hadn’t lived.  They haven’t travelled on this journey called life. The only people who shouldn’t have baggage of any real dimension, are children.  7 year olds.

Baggage, or, my past, is what has brought me to this point in time.  Getting rid of it would mean, getting rid of the good stuff too – and why would I do that?  This idea that our past is some horrible linkage to a time that we should forget in order to live in the present, is a falsehood. Just because people say it all the time doesn’t make it true.  First of all, getting rid of your baggage is impossible to do.  We all have memories.  We all have past experiences. And those memories, those experiences, good and bad, are what make up most of what we are in this moment. Embrace it.  Own it.  Love who you are because of it all.

Now being 30 years old and living like you’re a 12 year old because you’re stuck in the past and still want your mommy – that’s a whole other thing.  That’s not what I’m taking about – and that would most likely require a doctor’s help.  Someone dealing with trauma of any sort, should always get professional help.  But let’s be clear, this is not about baggage – now we’re talking about mental health.  Please when in doubt, consult a professional doctor and understand the difference.

Love yourself unconditionally! 

This is a hard one.  It sounds like an easy one, but truly loving yourself is hard because we’re not used to thinking this way.  We find it so easy to say to ourselves, “Uggh, you’re so stupid.” When we do something wrong.  Or “Oh, you look so fat!” – when we don’t like an outfit that we’ve tried on. We’re always so mean to ourselves.   When was the last time you looked in the mirror and told yourself that you loved yourself completely and without any reservations or conditions at all?  Could you even read that sentence without snickering a bit or giggling?     

This was the most transformative thing that I’ve done in the past year.  Really embracing my own brilliance and not feeling weird about it, bad about it, or giggling about it. Knowing that I have such gifts and talents and accepting that I have faults and make mistakes and that THAT is okay and part of the human journey has been freeing!  It has completely changed how I interact with others and more importantly, how I view my purpose on the planet.

So, those four things:  Eliminate wishy-washy people,  Do what feels right, Embrace your baggage,  Love yourself unconditionally – those  very specific four things have been life changing for me.  This past year has been an amazing revelation and unfolding of a very wonderful, very exciting life.  I can only imagine that a lot of it had to do with learning to incorporate each one of these aspects into my daily life fully.  It didn’t happen overnight and there were struggles along the way, but I have to say, I’m so glad I’m finally here!

And thank you to all of you, who helped walk me through.

Merry Christmas, Happy Festivus, Happy Hanuka, Happy Kwanza – and Season Greetings to any others I may have missed.

Peace, love and all that good stuff!

Carm.

Rejection – The Silver Lining

Rhayne:  Carm, you there?

Carmen:  Hola Rhayne – bored at work, I see.

Rhayne:   I have a question.

Carmen:  Shoot.

Rhayne:  How do you deal with rejection?  I’m so sick of everything falling apart and everything going wrong.  I don’t get it.  What am I doing wrong?

Carmen:   Uhm, that’s. . . What happened? You want to talk on the phone? Skype?

Rhayne:  No, I’m at the coffee shop.  Can’t.  Can we just IM?

Carmen:  Okay.

Rhayne:   I went out with that guy.  Remember the one I told you about from the online site?  The one I had coffee with and I thought we had a great time and he said he was going to call me and then he didn’t?  That one.

Carmen:  uhm, so he did call?

Rhayne:  Yeah.

Carmen:  That’s good right?

Rhayne:  And that job interview I went to last week?  That friggin’ second interview that I thought for sure I aced.  They filled the position and didn’t even tell me! I found out because I called and asked!  Oh my God, I was so humiliated! I actually called!

Carmen:  Oh, I’m sorry.

Rhayne: I just feel stupid. I feel horrible. I feel like a loser.  Oh my God, what am I going to do? I’m so sorry.  I can’t believe I’m bothering you again.  I know you’re going through your own stuff.

Carmen:  You’re kidding me, right? Pahleeze! Don’t worry about it. So tell me what happened last night with that guy.

Rhayne:  I don’t want to talk about him actually.

Carmen:  What?  Okay. So, let me get this straight, you’re asking me how I deal with rejection so well? Uhm, because I’ve had so much experience, jeez thanks!

Rhayne: Yeah, I do.  I mean, no offense, but. . . I mean, you’ve been through so much and you’re always happy.  I mean, I know you cry and get sad, but…honestly, how do you do it?  No matter what’s going in your life, you’re always okay. I don’t get it.  Is it drugs? Alcohol?  Lots of sex?  What?

Carmen:  Definitely not drugs or alcohol. . .

Rhayne:  Oh my God!  Lots of sex, that’s how you deal with it?

Carmen: LOL!  Yeah, wouldn’t that be great?   If sex cured all our problems!

Rhayne:  Or if your real love did. . . CHOCOLATE.

Carmen:  CHOCOLATE!!!!

Rhayne: ROTFL!

Carmen:  Ha!

Rhayne: I want Suzie Cakes cupcakes right now!

Carmen:  Look, there’s no doubt rejection is hard. But I guess I deal with it the same way I deal with most things– head on.

Rhayne:  I don’t know what that means.

Carmen:  I know, give me a dang second to type girl!

Rhayne:  OK.

Carmen: First, rejection is something we all feel at some point.  That’s not to diminish what you’re going through and feeling right now, but just to remind you that it’s normal.  Second, it’s important to understand why rejection hurts so much.  Primarily because it makes us feel like we’re not good enough.  Like we’re “less than” someone or something else.  It solidifies and confirms our own worst fears:  that we just don’t measure up.  And if someone doesn’t approve, then see, it must be true!  Got those two so far?

Rhayne:  Uh-ha.

Carmen:  The third thing to remember is that we don’t like rejection because ultimately we want to be liked.  It’s natural.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  It’s part of living.  As much as “some” pretend not to need anyone, the  fact  is  we’re social beings and want to fit in.  Even in our aloneness, we want to know that we’re accepted by others.  And most of us who are sane never want to hurt or disappoint others.   It’s a natural part of what makes us, US.  So far so good?

Rhayne: Yeah.  When are you going to tell me how to fix it?

Carmen: When you gonna pay me?

Rhayne:   It’s in the mail.

Carmen:  Yeah, right.  For real, it’s a process.

Rhayne: Okay, okay, I’m listening.

Carmen: The fourth thing to remember is that you’ve already been here before.  You know all of this.

Rhayne:  What?

Carmen:  Yeah, everything I just said beforehand… that  it’s normal, that it hurts because we want to be liked by others and that we’re social beings regardless of how we say we don’t need anybody?  This is not new – rejection is not new to you.

Rhayne:  Okay, but so what? How does that help me?

Carmen:  You were rejected before when you were 3 years old in the play ground or when you were in grammar school, high school, whatever.  You’ve been through this before so you already know what rejection is – been there, done that.

Rhayne:  Exactly what I’m saying!  It’s like I’m “Queen Rejection” or something!

Carmen:  No, silly.  What I’m trying to say is this: you have felt this before and you’ll feel it again.  It’s part of the process of life and unless you’re never going to compete for anything ever again or go after something you really want, or fall in love, then you’re always going to run the risk of feeling rejected.

Rhayne:  So I’m destined to always feel bad because it’s human?  Is that what you’re friggin’ telling me?  How the hell is this supposed to make me feel better?  I’m thinking alcohol would be so much better.  I’d go for the sex cure if you’d hook me up with that fine boy on your facebook –  there’s like three of them I’m interested in.

Carmen: You are so crazy Ms. Thing!  For the record, that boy is NOT available! Let it go!  But yes, as a human being you are destined to possibly be rejected many more times for sure.  That’s a factual part of living.  So you can’t stop being rejected, but you can control how deeply you feel about it and definitely never let it devastate you.

Rhayne:  Okay, how?

Carmen: Every time something doesn’t go your way Rhayne you get all in a tizzy.  So, the question is why?

Rhayne:  you already said it…because I’m human and, you know, all the three things you said before.

Carmen:  Ugggh….yes, but there’s more to it than that silly girl!  What you haven’t figured out is how to turn a bad feeling or situation into a good thing.  Find the silver lining. Everything has a silver lining, no matter how faint it may seem.  If you want to know the trick of how I’ve made it through  “sooooooooooo much rejection”  that’s the trick:   I flip rejection to a positive.

Rhayne:  What?  That sounds stupid and too easy.

Carmen:  I didn’t say it was easy.  And I would say stupid is IM-ing me from a coffee shop like I’m your damn therapist!

Rhayne:  Touché. Sorry. Go on.

Carmen:  Whenever you get rejected try and see it as just another opportunity for you to try again.  Each time someone says, NO, say, OH YEAH?  Don’t feed into the hurt of rejection.  Make it a line in the sand to cross over and dare once again.

Rhayne:  Oh, so, a guy you’ve been in love with picks some fat ugly whore over you and you’re fine with that and see it as a challenge?

Carmen:   Ha! Ha!  Oh my God!  That was too funny!  Let’s leave the boys for the end, okay?  Let’s start with work first.

Rhayne:  Okay. Shoot.  But I can’t wait to hear the answer to that. . .

Carmen:  You send out resumes, you go to an interview, you look your best, present yourself well and think you’ve aced the interview and you don’t get the job.  Right?

Rhayne:  Right.

Carmen:   Okay, instead of harping on feeling bad or like a “loser” because you didn’t get the job, why not do a little reality check on all the reasons why you might not have gotten the job. You know, think about things you can control.   Like, for example, did you say too much in the interview?  Not enough?  Were you too chummy with people?  Was this really the right job to pursue? Did you accidentally show up the interviewer….uhem…

Rhayne: Oh shut up!  She was like 14 years old!  I could have done her job for goodness sake and I’m interviewing for her?  What the hell!  I shouldn’t have to be dealing with some freshman supervisor wanna-be.  I should have her job!

Carmen:  Rhayne, honestly, do you hear yourself?  A minute ago you were feeling rejected, now you’re pissed because you had to interview for a job with someone you thought wasn’t qualified.  You didn’t really want that job did you?

Rhayne:  It’s a stupid position I can do with my eyes closed.

Carmen:  I’m sure. But this isn’t the right economy to be playing that game so you have to adjust, right? The point is, you make a choice – either suck it up and talk to the 14 year old “supervisor” to get the job, or decide that it’s not a job you want anyways because you’re overqualified.  But don’t put yourself down over it.  Choice, line in the sand, positivity.  Nothing about feeling bad at all.  What’s the silver lining in the situation?  If anything, I see this as a positive, you should feel good about it.  You’ve learned something new.

Rhayne:  F – you!

Carmen:  Yeah, you best abbreviate my sistah –I’ll just assume you meant to say “Fabulous, you!”  Ha!  Look , it’s the same way with the guy thing.  First of all, don’t ever compete with other women.  It’s not about the other woman.  If a guy isn’t interested, remember that it’s the same as when you’re not interested in some guy who likes you.  Then be glad you got that information NOW and not years later.  Silver lining!  And why would you force someone to like you?  That’s like forcing someone to be your friend.  It makes no sense.

Rhayne:  Amen to that! You are so right!

Carmen:  In more intense relationships, if someone doesn’t want to be in your life no matter what you do to accommodate the relationship and they still lie or behave stupidly – then walk away.  I mean, honestly, what’s the point?  True love and true friendship, no matter the relationship,  is about respect.  Respect of yourself in the relationship and respect of the other person.  If you really love someone, you wouldn’t hurt them purposely – especially not over and over again.  You know I’ve walked away without looking back pretty easily from dumb-ass people.  Three chances and you’re out.  Here’s the silver lining:  If the muther-flower is a liar and therefore an overall woose, then I consider that a bullet dodged big time!  Remember what Maya Angelou said, “People always SHOW you who they are.”   They may talk a good game, but ultimately its behavior that matters.

Rhayne:  Preach it sistah. Preach!

Carmen:  Ha!  I know, right!  I feel the spirit coming through my fingers when I get going…Ha!

Rhayne:  I know you do!

Carmen:   And Ms. Thang, let’s be honest here, okay?  You’re just meeting these men for the first and second date, right?   Maybe you need to lighten up a bit.  It’s like you’ve emotionally invested a little too much too soon.  Give yourself a break already. You’re like piling up on the rejection crap just to feel bad!

Rhayne: You’re right. I hate you.

Carmen:  I know.  Beauty and brains, I can’t help it, I was born this way baby!

Rhayne:  Bitch.  Okay, but seriously, now what?

Carmen:  Well, I’d like to say you should write me a check for my services but I know that ain’t going to happen.

Rhayne:  Funny.

Carmen:  Tomorrow just start fresh.  Stop putting so much weight on everything.

Rhayne:  I know. I know you’re right.  And the other days? When it doesn’t work out?

Carmen:  Easy, Chocolate cupcakes! Always on standby!

Rhayne:  I’d rather you call up one of them boys on your facebook page so I can have me some of that “sex-cure”. What that boy’s name, you know, the one that –

Carmen:  You’re crazy!  What do I look like a pimp or something… jeez!

Rhayne: Well, that could be a job for me.  I’d work on commission.  You know, I could  be your secretary if you started up that kind of business… maybe your bookie or….

Carmen:  Good-bye Rhayne!