Relationships Are Hard

Relationships are hard.

All kinds of relationships – between you and your parents, your friendships, siblings, co-workers and yes those romantic ones too – all relationships are hard.

I’ll admit upfront that I’m the last person on the planet that should give any advice on relationships. But someone asked, and as many of you know, it’s hard for me not to share…

I have a shrewd way of dealing with people in my life that works for ME, but please understand, it may not work for anyone else.

With that said, let me start with my definition of LOVE:  It’s a feeling and for the most part, it’s intangible to quantify.  Love can be pretty complex but, in most cases, and definitely in the beginning – love is pretty easy.  Whatever you may think of love I believe it can happen instantaneously.  A baby is born for example – that feeling of love is innate and all encompassing.  I know in my own experience, you can meet someone and “fall in love”.  It’s possible.  No matter what anyone tells you, love can be inexplicable and undeniable.  And since no one owns the patent on what love is, to me, it’s a feeling first.  Given time, love can surely evolve into something more in-depth depending on the circumstances and attention to the relationship.  But the essence of love is something you simply feel deeply that is difficult to always put into words.

So, in some respects, love is easy. There’s no controlling it. You can’t help who you love and most times you don’t really understand why you love a person, you just know that you do.  I think we’ve all experienced that in some way shape or form – and I love people who always feel the need to chime in to tell YOU what you’re actually feeling when you say you love someone – it’s as if they’ve cornered the market on what love is and is not. Cracks me up every time. Don’t listen to those people.  No one can tell you what you’re feeling.

But don’t be confused – there’s a difference between LOVE and TRUST.  People make this mistake all the time in all types of relationships.

If love is easy, then trust is difficult – REALLY DIFFICULT. Trust is earned.  Trust takes time. Trust is not innate. Trust is NOT a feeling.  People confuse being “in love” with the fact that they don’t trust this person yet. How can you trust someone you do not know?

Trust is important because it helps define our relationships.  We trust our parents because through thick and thin, they’ve been there for us even when we’ve messed up or shined, parents have walked us through infancy to adulthood.  So we trust them.

Siblings on the other hand, we may “hate” but ultimately, just based on sheer time, proximity and history, we love them. But what about a sibling who’s a drug addict?  We may not trust our siblings who are drug addicts, but our love is based on our history and connection with them. So, a family member who is a drug addict may be someone we love, but we would never trust them, unless they worked real hard to earn that trust back. Right?

What about a new boyfriend or a new girlfriend?  Sure, you can “fall in love” with someone you just met. It may be the beginnings of a deeper relationship – but all that questioning going on in your head, all the wondering of “does he” or “doesn’t he” has to do with getting to know each other. That takes time. And even if you think you trust a new person in your life, truth is, you just don’t know.  Trust is earned. Trust takes time and effort.  It’s not a feeling.

Okay, so just for clarity (and simplicity):  Love is easy and is a feeling.  Trust is earned and is tangible to calculate. Good.

I can honestly say I have fallen “in love” romantically twice in my life.  Once with a man who I slowly grew to appreciate over time and then realized he couldn’t be trusted so I walked away – and another man I fell in love with instantaneously whose presence in my life was rather short, so trust between us was never established.  I can easily say that I loved both of these men – but trust is a thing. It matters. And without trust, you cannot have a good relationship with anyone.

So, when you meet someone and you “fall in love” don’t be confused by what that means. It’s a feeling and that’s fine.  Don’t let anyone tell YOU how you feel or what the definition of LOVE is or is not.  No one can fully explain what love means – but DO NOT confuse TRUST for LOVE.  That’s key.

This is where most people get confused.  It doesn’t matter how old you are.  I know people who are married, divorced, married again and divorcing again because they have continuously confused trusting someone for loving someone.  And regardless of the relationship we’re talking about – friendships, siblings, boyfriend, girlfriends, spouse, parents – if you can’t trust a person, if you have doubts about who someone is in your life, then it’s not a healthy relationship.  You need to consider why you keep toxic relationships in your life and how you can work with them if you have to or learn to work around them if you can to remain a healthy and positive person. Please, if you have questions or concerns about this in any way, it’s always good to seek out professional help from a therapist, counselor, or doctor – I am none of these, but know that talking to someone can help walk you through.

Here’s my shrewd way of dealing with people I can not trust – again, I preface this by admitting this may not work for other people, so I don’t recommend it, but like all things – take what works for you and mold it into what is uniquely you.  Be a sponge who retains what little water you need and ring out the rest. But this is my way of dealing with relationships – especially romantic ones:

When I’m clear that I can’t trust someone, regardless of the relationship, I easily walk away. Because of my upbringing, (which you can read in the book CANELA), I’ve instilled a system of deciding what people I keep in my life with clear “rules”.  It’s always been about self-preservation and something I’ve practiced since I was a kid.  It’s actually simple:  after three times of being disappointed by someone, they’re out. I’m done. I walk away. In theory, you get three chances to be in my life, and then after that, I cut all ties.  My instincts tell me that in any relationship, especially a new one, if after three times someone’s proven they cannot be trusted, then they clearly do not have respect for my time and therefore do not deserve my energy.

I justify it this way:  There are close to 7 billion people on the planet. If you don’t have time to respect me, then I need to move on.  There are too many people to meet who may have a mutual level of respect that I want in my relationships – why bother wasting time on people who don’t “get” me even if they claim too?

Trust is the most important aspect of any relationship I have in my life.  I still love those two men dearly but let them go and never looked back or regretted the decision.  It doesn’t mean they are bad people, it just means we’re not in the same space.  Look, I don’t claim to know exactly how the world works, but I do know that I want people in my life that want to be there, that need to be there. Friendships, siblings, lovers, even co-workers.  Fake relationships are a waste of everyone’s time and energy.  There’s a level of respect you can demand to have with all relationships if you start understanding that it’s okay to have boundaries and rules that work for YOU.  When you have a set of standards, people will either meet them, or they won’t.  When you love and respect yourself completely – you’ll never let a person into your life who continuously lets you down and hurts you – intentionally or not.

And there it is:  How well do you understand yourself? Do you love yourself completely and what does that mean?  How well do you trust your own gut feelings?  What are your standards? What are your expectations of people and do you practice those same rules?  What kind of people do you surround yourself with and do they reflect the best of who you are? I can honestly say, the people that are IN my life are some of the most beautiful people I am privileged to know. My loyalty to them is fierce — and I know for them, my relationship is just as important.  I always say, you don’t need a lot of friends, you only need one REAL one.  And I’m lucky, I have several beautiful REAL people in my life. True wealth.

Now, I’m not saying it’s ever easy to walk away from someone you’re interested in.  Even with my rules in place for decades, relationships are always hard.  But over time, you realize it’s easier to control your own behavior and reaction than it is to force others to BE a certain way.  I’m a firm believer that you can have everything you want in life, but first, you have to understand what it is you want and embrace the idea that you deserve the very best and never settle for less – especially when it comes to relationships.

 

 

 

Somewhere Between Rich and Poor

It’s raining.  It’s been raining for a while actually.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s beautiful, but sad bitmoji1646363289nonetheless. There’s a grey-ness to it all, a coldness. And yet, I welcome it. Somehow I see it as tears from heaven, if you believe in that kind of thing…

I work for this organization that does amazing things in the world. And it has the potential to do so much more. I’ve known this organization for years and although it never has paid very much, I’ve always loved the work.  My feeling is, if at the end of the day, you’re going to have to do something for a living, especially if it’s not your innate passion – like being a dancer, actor, writer or a painter — then you want to work with people who are at least doing some good in the world, right?  That should be an easy compromise.   And for me, if I’m not working as an artist on a given day and being paid for it, then being part of this organization is the blessing – to do work that helps someone else…to make a real difference in the world. Easy choice.

I think that’s why I ultimately left my job at a once cool start-up company many years ago. I loved the people, but at the end of the day – I hated that I was pouring my heart and soul into what was basically selling products.  Don’t get me wrong, there was much artistry to what these creative people were doing, but for me, it didn’t make sense.  Especially when things started going south with the partners – the owners — why would I ever want to dedicate my talent, sweat and tears to selling products?  When the time came for me to walk away – it actually wasn’t that hard to do.  Financially it killed me, but I just quit.  And it was the right thing to do. No regrets.

This time, things are so different.  This organization that I have the privilege of working for now is actually changing people’s lives. It makes a difference in the world.  And even though there are a lot of the problems happening, again, with the “owners”, it seems to still be worthy of all my efforts – my sweat and my tears – maybe even more so. Every time a delicate painful issue arises, I feel even more compelled to do the very best I can to make sure we continue to do the good work.  It seems odd to me, because you’d think I’d just want to quit and move on… but no. It makes me even more committed to stay, to figure it out, to help in any way I can.  It’s odd, and I guess I’m just trying to understand why…

I’ve worked for so many people – so many wealthy individuals – and for the most part, wealthy people are not any different from poor people.  They’ve all got problems.  I’m 100% positive I would never trade my life for any of the wealthy people I’ve ever known.  Not one.

See, the problems of rich people are just as real.  Surely, poor people – in this generalized example – tend to have an over-arching problem of never having enough money to do anything. And everything they try to do is usually about trying to pay a bill. It’s a horrible cycle. Living paycheck to paycheck.  Rich people don’t get that. Even poor people that become rich, forget that – because it’s an easy thing to forget. And the thing about poor people is, when you get that extra money from a bonus, or an unexpected financial gift that lets you pay up your bills on-time or ahead of schedule, ohhhhhhh, that feeling is priceless, right?  I mean, there is a cleanliness to it that is hard to explain.  A burden jumps off your shoulders that you didn’t even realize was sitting there.  Rich people don’t get that because the sheer aspect of financial security makes it difficult to comprehend.  If you hadn’t had to think about how your rent or mortgage is going to be paid, then you can’t feel that burden. If you don’t have to save money to buy a pair of jeans, then you don’t know the inner negotiating and anxiety that comes with having to choose between paying your gas bill or fudging it for the month and spending that money at Target instead simply because you’ve worn your one pair of jeans so much that they’re falling apart in the crotch.

But the rich – their burden seems worse to me.   Again, I’m totally generalizing here  –  but the rich walk around in constant thought that someone is trying to screw them over.  Rich people never seem to feel completely settled.  Trust is a coveted process and never fully practiced or embraced because they believe everyone has to prove themselves first – over and over again. Everything is about THEM. Their vulnerability, their money, their lives, their self-preservation. They are always the first to scream that they are NOT about their money at all. And they always claim NOT to be THAT rich.  Cracks me up.  But sadly they always think  someone wants something from them.  There’s a fear of some entity that’s going to try and steal from them.  It’s sad.  They’re not positive of who their friends are. They think its other rich people who “understand” them – but nine times out of ten, their friends are just as skittish about trust and friendship as they are.  So the rich pay therapists, and massage therapists, and psychics, and go on ridiculous shopping sprees and visit all sorts of doctors, spas, etc., — all because of feeling unsettled. It’s a different kind of anxiety than the poor feel, but anxiety nonetheless.  The rich, in my experience,  try to feel better by hiring lawyers and doctors who will tell them that they are fine – and the more they cost, the better because, well, if the “BEST” are telling you what you need to hear, then it must be right.   And look, I’m not even saying that all these doctors and lawyers are being abusive and sucking money from these people – truth is, a lot of these people are so fragile, they need to hear some sort of comfort, some information from somewhere…  And this tends to be one place where rich people get that from. It’s a vicious circle.

Poor people don’t have that luxury – to go find some professional to walk them through something.  Poor people can’t go to a doctor on a whim because they’re feeling bad and need someone to talk too, because the co-payment alone may be $90 and not in their budget for the month. That’s grocery money. So, poor people have to trust their friends, their family,  their co-workers,  right off the bat.  And in order to trust people, you have to get good at reading people, at intuition. At understanding who is screwing you over for money, and who is actually doing the work and deserving of your hard-earned pennies.  You don’t have money to waste, so the minute you realize you are being snowed, you walk away and find someone else.

Surely money gives you choices – but from my experience, sometimes having all that choice, leaves you less inclined to be wise.  It reminds me of going to a restaurant like the Cheesecake Factory whose menu is so large that it’s just too much to deal with. Most times I hate going there, unless I’m going just for some actual cheesecake.  But sometimes, when you have all that choice, it’s hard to be wise and choose accordingly.  I think of Michael Jackson too – he had so much money, so many choices – – and with all those choices he became unwise. Purchasing items that seemed ridiculous, just because he could.  I loved Michael Jackson’s music and performance – don’t get me wrong.  He was brilliant. But, clearly he chose badly. And in a lot of ways, I get it. It makes complete sense to me.

Please know, I’m not saying it’s better to be poor.  But what I am saying is that it’s not better to be rich either.  Now, I can’t claim to have ever been rich. But, I’ve had more money than I’ve ever needed at one point in my life – and I tell people all the time, it was the worst time in my life. Not because I had so much money, but because I was so unhappy. I was living a life that wasn’t authentically me.  Now, it wouldn’t have mattered if I was making $10 an hour or $1M a year, it was clearly the wrong job, the wrong place and the wrong time – and had little to do with money. But, for the purposes of this discussion, I remember what it was like not to have to question buying a new pair of jeans that cost $400. Yes, I said, $400.  I still own the Jimmy Choo shoes I bought back then – my Jimmy Choo boots cost $1000 and were fitted precisely to fit me and only me.  There was a freedom in having the bills paid and never having to worry about how the mortgage was going to be paid that month and every month after that. But with that kind of money also came something I never expected:  the insecurity of why people were being nice to me, or questioning why I was getting such incredible service… I specifically remember getting on a plane and being treated like I was a Queen.  The overwhelming kindness and people willing to jump at anything I may have said… of course, I was flying First Class.  The comfort was one thing – you paid for that, but the way people treated you just because you had money… that’s why rich folk get confused.  Truth is, people – good decent people, especially flight attendants – will treat everyone that way.  With Kindness.  And in coach you do get that sometimes…. Not the comfort, but yes, the best flight attendants are the best for a reason. But imagine, being treated that way ALL. THE. TIME. Every day.  It no longer is special, it becomes your new normal.  And “normal” gets old real fast. Basically, you realize people are kissing your ass, not because they are kind good people, but only because you have money and they HAVE to be nice to you. Yeah, it’s like that…and you can easily see why you’d start questioning everyone’s motives, right?

But rich people get that treatment – all the time.  Even when they don’t deserve it. They can bitch and moan and people servicing them will still treat them like the kings and queens they believe themselves to be.  Again, poor people don’t get that privilege. We are grateful when we meet other kind souls who work for a living and treat us like kings and queens, but we also understand when that same flight attendant is having a bad day and is just going through the motions – because we get that they’re working just trying to make a living too… and yet, at some point, no matter how bad their day is, they still have to go up to first class and keep on shining.

I guess all this to say, I’m grateful.  My dream of course, is to make enough money as an artist/creative entity every day and be able to live a comfortable and fulfilling life by telling stories, sharing Carmenisms and changing the world all on my own. But, in the meantime, I’m okay. Happy really. I would never want to have so much money again at the expense of my sanity, and I certainly never want to hate what I do for a living.  So, all and all, I’m okay. Maybe more than okay. This too shall pass…

It stopped raining.  But there’s a heavy tint of lingering grey – it may rain again.  I hope so. For now, everything is so quiet, so still. I have to admit, I love it.

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*The term “poor” here is simply defined as those living paycheck to paycheck. There is no doubt that “poor” in relative terms can and does mean something quite different in our world and this author knows the difference.

*Image used/created on App Bitmoji