As I re-read this journal entry, I kind of laugh. Clearly, sometimes I should just put down the pen and drink my coffee. I try and pick the “best” of what I’ve written in a week to scan and post… Well, this goes off the rails a bit, but the point is Time is something I’ve been thinking a lot about – still am thinking about.
My Friend Richard. Rest In Peace.
———- message ———-
From: Carmen
Date: Wed, Apr 18, 2018 at 10:56 PM
Subject: Dinner stuffage
To: Rachel
Rache,
I love you, I really do. I love that you’re so worried about me. But honestly, I think this is more about you than it is about me.
You’re right – he was/is perfect. Quite the gentleman, a lawyer – beyond successful. Good looking – in that crazy way we all dream about. And gurl, he picked me up in the Tesla – you were right (and uhem, I’m clear it’s one of several cars he owns). He checked every box. Tall, hot, them teeth – Lord help me, I almost lost it right there. Great lips and a beautiful smile is my “Achilles heel” every time. And most importantly, he surprised me with the tickets. Dinner and a Play? The brotha was working his magic for sure! So old school and then, not-so-much. Truly perfect.
You’re right. He is the perfect guy.
Here’s the thing: I’ve met several “perfect” guys. You know I have. I know what you mean by “perfect” so I’m not going to sit here and tell you the cliché thing that he’s just not perfect for me. That somehow we were missing chemistry and all that good stuff because trust me, we had plenty of “CHEMISTRY” – he kisses lightly by the way, sweetly and kindly and…well, chemistry is not the problem, is all I’m saying…
What is the problem is that what makes my heart skip a beat is a much higher bar. First, you know I’m not a fan of marriage. I mean, I AM and I WOULD, but I wouldn’t trade my single life for your married life for a $1 Million dollars! 90% of my married friends are in miserable marriages. Marriage has never been and is not my goal. It is completely Mr. Tesla’s for sure. To me, marriage would be beside the point. It’d be icing on a fantastic cake. It could be a financial decision we make… I mean, I could care less about getting married, it’s never been my thing – more important to me…
You know what? I’mma lay it out. And if you have one of these “brotha’s” on your Facebook page, cool. Hook me up again. I’m game. But THIS is what I think is the perfect man:
And all that is just to start. For the record, those are all the same things I require for my friends. Change the above from “man” to “friend” and read it again and you’ll get my meaning.
Physically he’d have to be that which is pleasing to my senses. I no longer ascribe to a “type” because clearly I’ve been wrong so many times. Older or younger? Honestly I don’t know. There are pros and cons to both in my experience, but him NOT being afraid of ME would be a great thing. I know that sounds cra-cra even as I write it – but it’s not ME they’re afraid of — actually, it’s LOVE or the possibility of it… (that’s my perspective anyways). Cuz, you know, when I love, I love for reals. It’s a little too much for most. I get that. I do. But I ain’t changin’. I love who I am.
And there it is: the most important thing about LOVE and a partner to me today is this: I don’t want to have to change. I shouldn’t have too. And I would NEVER want to change someone I fell in love with. I mean, that seems strange to me. If I met you THIS WAY, why would I want you to be something else? There are just some things I know for sure: you can never change someone. You just can’t. So, I want someone to accept me the way that I am – all of it: good, bad and the ugly. And the beautiful. And I’ll do the same. I think what happens in any relationship over time, is, as you get to know someone you find ways to compromise those things that don’t work for each other. That’s not CHANGE – that’s just a natural course that happens when you love someone – when someone matters to you. When someone is a priority to you in your life, you find a way to make things work because they’re important to you. It’s a beautiful thing when it happens – but it’s never an overt or painful change – it’s just what’s next.
Look, we had a great time. Tesla man was lovely. And after all these years being “friends” on Facebook because of you — it really was brilliant to finally meet. He’s absolutely stunning looks-wise and a I’m certain a wonderful man. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to him and thought of him a bit after he dropped me off. I considered the possibilities for sure – but he called me in the morning. And I would never string him along – but goodness, he talked about marriage on our first date Rache! And that didn’t even bother me so much, but it was constantly talking about “the future”. We hadn’t even gotten our appetizers yet! Wow! I was honest with him. And he was sweet about it. I would never play with his heart – you know it’s not my style and it’s just cruel. All the money in the world couldn’t make me be that girl, ever. So I told him the truth – I just didn’t see this going any further.
And lastly, because you know how much I love writing long-ass emails to you – I don’t think I should have to try. You wrote in your email that you didn’t think I was “trying”. My friendship with you wasn’t something I had to “try” and figure out when we first met. We just met and we knew we’d be friends! It was easy. We’ve had our fights over the years (because most days you’re so wrong, but whatevs – ha!), but we always find our center again. It’s okay to argue and disagree – our friendship is solid so I expect that we’ll have our ups and downs – but never, not once, have I ever felt I needed to “TRY” and be your friend. At the very least, the man I someday “marry” — ‘cuz I know that’s your goal for me – has to be my friend. Solid. I need to feel safe that we can fight, argue, laugh, cry, shout, scream, laugh, be complete fools and still be solid. And that, has nothing to do with trying. It does have everything to do with trust. I don’t want to TRY and be somebody’s friend. I want to TRUST that I already am.
So, there it is. I love you with all my heart and soul. And I love that you worry about me. But don’t. I’m happy. If I wasn’t, you know I’d do something about it! I’m an optimist. I can’t live in negativity for too long. But, I’m good. I need YOU to stop focusing on me and my love-life and maybe start considering why you’re so obsessed with my relationship status so much. Gurl, you know I say this with all the love in my heart; what’s going on with you? Call me. I’m still up.
Carm.
On Apr 18, 2018, at 9:04 PM, Rachel wrote:
Seriously, WTF? He’s the perfect man. I don’t get it. I just don’t. I don’t think you’re really trying.
😦
__________
~ Hermann Hesse, Poet, Novelist, Painter, Nobel Prize winner for Literature
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. ~MLK, Jr.
Lately I’ve had a short temper.
I’ve lashed out, been easily provoked, and have found myself angry more times than I can remember.
I’m not sure if it’s partially this political climate in the United States (and around the world for that matter) that’s influencing my inner tranquility, or if social media has made me less tolerant or patient, or maybe it’s something else or a combination of things… Either way, I know I’m better than this.
And it’s not just me, everyone seems to be on edge. People I admire who I know can handle most anything are crumbling at any controversy, whining at every moment, angry at everything… no one seems to have time for the simple things anymore…like joy.
I realized it the other day talking to a friend – his negativity was palpable. Every word out of his mouth seemed to grate on me. I pride myself on being an optimist. It’s my strength. And his negativity was like sandpaper to my soul. It made me so sad for him, for me.
I believe the true test of one’s character is shown when life is not easy, when things are hard. When things are not going perfectly, that’s when our real SHINE comes through. We expose parts of who we really are in times of tragedy and pain and if we’re strong enough, if we can SEE clearly, even in the worst of times, we can reveal our true selves; hopefully our best selves.
Martin Luther King, Jr. said it best:
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
Yeah, he was so right. I am so much better than this.
We. Are. Better. Than. This.
I got this much needed reminder on my headset this morning as I ran on the beach:
What A Wonderful World, by Louis Armstrong …. Yes, yes it is!
Someone once told me that I should have a goal of 100 rejections per year.
This had to do with my auditions and I know it sounds weird, but trust me, it’s an amazing concept! And it can be applied to absolutely anything. The benefits of this kind of “reverse psychology” are brilliant (in my humble opinion).
If you try for 100 rejections a year, then that means, at the very least, you’ve attempted 100 times to do whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish!
It also takes the onus off of “success” and just makes it sort of game. Can I do this and fail anyways? The pressure falls off and it becomes enjoyable to just try – somewhat light-hearted and…wait for it… Fun!
I love this principle. And here’s what I’ve learned in implementing it in my life: Eventually the law of averages takes over and you do succeed in some way shape or form. At the very least, you learn something. It’s kinda cool that way. I succeeded in my goals last year AND learned something about myself that was extremely important to my career and my life in general. It worked!
We all have goals – and my thinking is you should have a baseline: find a way to have joy most days in 2018. Happiness (JOY) is a thing! And setting myself up to have more joy in life is one of my goals for 2018. If something is not adding to my life, then I need to find a way to make it work or I need to let it go. This works for me. I hope it works for you too! And even if it doesn’t, maybe some variation of it does! Please, at the very least, think on it. You deserve joy! We all do. We are here on the planet to love and be loved – of that, I’m extremely certain – do everything you can to stay in a good place. A positive space…
Happy New Year! I’m so glad you’re ON IT! No luck needed, but wishing you much joy in the process. And hey, I’ve already been rejected three times this year and it’s only January 7th! I’m so on my way to success. Looking forward to meeting you there! 🙂
Peace, love and all that good stuff.
Carm~
I want life to be easier.
For people to be nicer.
To always keep their word. 
Joy. Peace. And yes, Love.
I want to smile to a stranger
and for him to smile back.
I want silence to be in abundance
for quiet to be the norm.
I want love to be easy and hate to be hard.
To matter.
Always.
to sleep.
to write in my journal.
to listen.
to give people feedback. I’m good at it.
to watch TV and laugh. Comedies first, dramas second.
sex. Duh. It’s so much better. Who would have thunk it?
I love intimacy. Rare.
to eat good food.
good looking men. Eye candy is a thing.
owning the room.
my hair. When it’s working its magic.
making people feel good. Especially when they’re down.
I love Chocolate Cake.
a Moscow Mule.
I love George Michael. He was my first. Prince, my second.
I love listening to music and strutting down the street.
I love dancing. I still got it.
meeting new people.
to smile. With my eyes.
shoes. Beautifully well-made shoes.
action movies.
I love kissing a beautiful man with perfect lips.
taking a hot shower.
I love a smile. Not too big. More of a smirk.
I like working out. I love when I’m done working out.
a great massage by Shea.
people who like me.
I love beauty. I see truth.
I love kids. Cool kids.
I love my life.
butter.
bacon.
I love the color maroon. Red, on the side of brown.
you. The real you. Easily.
Love.
Sometimes, you just know. 
You take the shot anyways.
It’s glorious, until it’s not. Was it worth it?
Unsure.
But given the same try again, I’d have no choice.
It’s who I am. It’s who we are. It’s what we seek.
He said.
