I’ve been on Twitter having conversations with people
about this whole “Bagel Boss” incident. If you don’t know what it is, simply, a
man had a complete freak breakdown in a bagel shop, someone recorded it and
posted it on Twitter and the Twitter-verse did it’s thing and mocked him, bullied
him further and… well it just went down the rabbit hole from there…
Now, in all fairness, he did freak out in a public place. Regardless of how it started, he screamed about how he had a difficult time dating because he’s short and he seemed hell-bent on saying how “all women” were the same and mean. He thought the women there were secretly hating on him, though they did seem to be just going about their business.
I watched it and winced the entire time. At one point,
someone – maybe a manager – tackled him to the ground. I’m no lawyer or law enforcement, but it seemed
appropriate. He was full of rage and pretty explosive. But what happened next, is difficult to wrap
my head around.
Someone recorded it, of course, and posted it on Twitter.
And then Twitter went to town mocking him, bullying him – making fun of
him. I called a few people out – people I actually respect on Twitter for
reposting the recording and they diligently justified, without skipping a beat,
why they thought it was fine to repost it, mock and bully him.
Ugghhh.
Here’s the point I’ve been making all night: when someone
gets a bunch of guns and walks into a school and kills people — we’re all stunned.
We’re saddened and “tweeting” for something more than “thoughts and prayers” to
be done. By then though, it’s too late.
Mental Illness always comes up.
“Why didn’t anyone help him?”
“How could no-one have noticed he was so upset?”
The Twitter-verse is then filled with all the compassionate people who would have known if it was their neighbor, their family member, if their friend was in trouble.
But, here in this moment, in full display is clearly a
man in pain. He’s suffering. And what do
all the people in the store and everyone online do? Bully him further.
Surely, he was out-of-line and absolutely inappropriate. He did get kicked out of the store and
rightfully so. But what happens when this
man, clearly distraught goes home and sees he’s being mocked on Twitter? What
happens when a fragile human being who clearly hasn’t dealt with some issues
notices his own outburst on his Twitter feed and reads what everyone is saying?
We’ve lost our ability to be compassionate. More importantly, we’ve lost our ability to
connect the dots. Someone in that much
pain, is about to burst. Clearly he’s
calling out for help. Instead of
instigating the situation, wouldn’t it have been amazing if someone had offered
him some help instead? A bit of kindness.
Now, I’m not saying everyone who has an outburst is going
to go grab a gun and kill people – but that’s kind of irrelevant, isn’t it? I
mean we don’t really ever understand why people do these things – but regardless,
shouldn’t we be better people? Shouldn’t
our humanity keep us from harming someone else even further? Is there really some sort of joy in watching
someone in so much pain?
I think what I’m most upset about this evening, is all
the people who replied to me being upset that I called them out on their own behavior. Instead of just admitting they might have
made a mistake, they then tried to make it about how he deserved to be mocked
for acting so badly. They found ways to
justify their bullying. It was sad actually.
I believe that our true character, the true test of who
we are is not measured when things are going perfectly well. It doesn’t matter that you have compassion
AFTER a massacre – that’s expected. In tragedy, it is expected that people will
come together and help each other. That’s how most humans behave, that’s how most
humans survive. But the true test of who we are is really measured when things are
hard. How do we behave when it’s not
easy? Do we show courage when no one is
looking? Can we see pain and react
accordingly even when everyone else is bullying? Can we stop being part of the mob-mentality? Can we even see it happening?
I hope that guy figures it out. My prayer, my wish for
him tonight is that he has a loving family or great friends that saw what
happened online and intervened to walk him through.
I just hope he’s not alone.
And for people on Twitter and social media in general – I
pray that we do better – and that we err on the side of compassion. That we
find a way to be better than we used to be.
Carmen: Honestly, I don’t know what’s wrong. Everything. Nothing. On the one hand, I know I have nothing to be complaining about. On the other, all I want to do is scream. It’s all just jibberish. Never mind.
Dr. Mei: How about if you stop over-analyzing what you’re going to say, and just say it? Let me hear it and I’ll tell you if I think it’s jibberish or not. Deal?
Carmen: Okay. Deal. Uhm. Well, simply last week I was sure I’d be pitching my TV drama idea based on my book but I didn’t finish it. You know, detailing out all the characters and such. I wanted to be so organized, so ready and I’m not. Then, I got it in my head that I should pitch an idea I had on cultural criticism to a magazine that’s looking for new writers and so I started working on that. I’ve outlined my second book – and started writing another chapter — I saw an audition online and wondered if I should submit – then I thought I should contact my agent to start sending me out or get a new agent because – what the fudge, right? They haven’t sent me out at all. It’s annoying. Uggh. I applied for a grant a while back and decided to follow through on the play part of the proposal. Plus it’s still something I want to do. I “owe” two podcasts – based on my self-imposed schedule – I mean, what is wrong with me? Why do I think I can do all of this? And why can’t I do all of this? Why am I feeling overwhelmed when this is everything I’ve been asking to do all along?
Dr. Mei: First, take a breath. A deep breath. Good. Now, it seems like a lot, but why do you think you’re not doing it?
Carmen: Well, if I’m being honest, I realize for the first time in my life I’m living my dream. For all these years I’ve worked a job I hated – yeah, I’ll say hated, without hesitation. Even more than the work itself, I hated the people I worked for. I mean, now that I can look back, most of the people I handled money for were bitter, old-minded, entitled privileged lazy people. Ungrateful. And constantly complaining about how hard their life was and the worst: they always “announced” how much they did for everyone else – which for the record, was write a check. Write a check from money they never had to earn by the way. Anyone can write a check if they have money. But it takes a real kind of person to take credit for doing bullshit. I think I hated that the most. The god-damn boasting about how much money they gave to such and such… But I digress. I ultimately hated the work itself.
So, here I am, now, getting up every day working as a creative entity. I wrote my book, I’m doing some speaking events, I’m writing — exploring every day what it feels like to be a writer. I can’t lie, it’s taken me some time to get into the groove of things. I mean, when I rehearsed as a kid, as a dancer, I was on schedule. And, it’s taken me some time to FEEL like this is right, but I can’t lie. I’m scared. I just am!
I fear I’m going to do all this work and nothing will come of it. I mean, that’s not why you’re supposed to do ART in the first place, right? You’re supposed to create ART authentically because you can’t do anything else. But what if I share all of this, what if I pitch this or that or write a second book and no one cares? What if I put so much into all of it and I get rejected, dismissed – or worse, what if I hear nothing at all? What if I do all this and I still can’t pay the bills? What am I thinking?
I really can look at my entire life and see it that way. Nothing I’ve wanted has ever come to fruition. I’ve failed at everything I ever wanted even if I succeeded at everything else. My entire life up until this point has always been to do the right thing. To be the good girl. To never be a bother. And even still – with all of my effort of always being of service to others, of always being honest and kind…why haven’t I succeeded in all the things I’ve wanted? Why try this? I’m just setting myself up for more heartache, right? And which one of these things should I be pursuing? What is wrong with me that I think I should be doing 5 things at a time? And have I lost my mind? Do I think money grows on trees somewhere?
Dr. Mei: Well, two things come to mind that I’d like to share. Maybe three. First, take a breath. I’m not saying that because it’s what I tell everyone – I’m saying that because I don’t think you notice how you hold your breath and tense up when you speak. Your passion, your concern are formidable, but that stress is mounting and I can SEE it in you. So first, take a nice long deep breath.
Second. I love how you said you’ve “failed”. You realize you’re not done, yet, right? You get that it’s not over yet. As I know you, as I’ve read in your book, you haven’t failed at anything that was put in your path. Most people see you as a success. But you feel like you’ve failed at the things you want in life. I get that. But you’re wrong. The problem isn’t that you failed Carmen. The problem is that you haven’t even started yet.
You feel like a failure because you’ve been pursuing other people’s needs and joys. You’ve never followed your true North. You moved to Los Angeles and took a job doing bookkeeping because you knew it’d be better money than being a waiter, plus you’d never last waiting on people. But it was the plan till you could get yourself stabilized to pursue your creative career. Things continued on from there and the jobs got more important and impressive – and they got even more miserable with every day that went on. My goodness, you wrote a book in the midst of so much misery in the job you had while working through past pain of your childhood! That’s pretty remarkable. I can’t wait to read the second book for that reason alone!
Third, and maybe most importantly, you’re here now. THIS was your path to get here. You needed to travel that road to get to THIS point. None of it was a waste of time – and none of it was really in your control. This is LIFE happening. You can only do what you know how to do when you actually KNOW how to do it. You couldn’t be anything else other than who you were then, to be who you are NOW. This is the journey you’re on. And so far, it’s been pretty interesting to say the least. Aren’t you excited to see what’s next? I am. I can’t wait to see what you do from here.
Let’s talk about rejection. Or my other favorite quip you said, “…or worse, hear nothing at all.” Whatever it is, fear of being rejected, to make a mistake, to let people down, to not make enough money to make a living, whatever. Rejection is hard. Doesn’t matter how many times you’ve gone through it, doesn’t matter how used to it you think you are – rejection is difficult. Got it?
By the way, welcome to the club.
Yes. It’s a club. We’ve all been there at least once in our lives. You’re at a crossroad and instead of choosing which path to take, you’re standing at the head of all the choices in front of you hoping someone will you push you down the “right” path.
Look, everyone wishes Steven Spielberg will run into them at the local coffee shop and be so stunned by their mere presence that he asks you to his office because you’re his next lead in his upcoming movie. People dream of Oprah calling them on the phone and saying, I read your book and you’re one of my favorite things… yes, we all want that. Someone to validate us, someone to walk us through. It would be easier…
I’m not Steven Spielberg, but let me help shove you down a path anyways. Write the TV Script, do the pitch, write the second book, do the acting, the podcast, the blog, do the magazine cover – DO ALL OF IT! Do the speaking events, teach, write, dance – all of it IS WHO YOU ARE. It’s who you’ve always been even while doing everything else. That’s what’s so impressive. IT’S YOUR TRUE NORTH Carmen. You’re a story-teller, a performer. Do you need evidence? Okay – here’s some off the top of my head: Steve Cadwell said, “You write like Hemingway: every word true to the bare bone fact of how you experienced it. Compelling!” That was October 21st, 2018. Right? You sent me the email because you were so happy.
Need more? I can rattle off the names, the people – some you know, some you don’t who have already told you about your writing. But just looking at your face I can sense your disbelief.
Tell me what you’re thinking right now.
Carmen: I’m thinking they’re all just being nice. Overly generous.
Dr. Mei: Okay. Let’s go with that. Let’s pretend that all the accolades thus far have been people “just being nice” to you. For the record, that’s a complete untruth, but let’s just go with it. So what? Then just do it because it’s what’s next. Do it because you have no reason NOT too. Do it because you’ve been given numerous “signs” that you should. Do it because NOT doing it guarantees failure and regret. Do it because it makes you happy. Do it because I’m telling you, this is so much closer to your true North than anything else you’ve done in the past 20 years. Do it because even when you talk about the struggle of it, you still sound lighter and happier than any time you’ve talked about any other work you’ve ever done. Do it because the worst possible thing that can happen is that you took the shot, it didn’t work out and you go about and do something else. I don’t see how that’s a bad thing.
Carmen: Yeah. I know. Everything you said, is true. I know all of this. The weird part is, I’m excited. I’m excited about all of it. And it’s mixed with a tinge of fear. But when I think of going back to my old life – the only word I can come up with is dread. Absolute dread.
Dr. Mei: You’ve already leaped Carmen. You’re in the air right now –in the midst of it all. Don’t worry about how you’ll land. Stop looking to land just yet. For now, keep doing the work. Keep flying high on the joy it brings you. No matter how you land, you’ll be fine. My guess is, you’ll be better than fine.
Carmen: You know what’s so funny and sad at the same time? I went and saw the new Avengers movie and there’s a line in it that made me wince – I just couldn’t believe I had just heard this. I promise, no spoilers. Have you seen it yet? It doesn’t matter. This line gives away nothing to the movie. But the character says something like: “Everyone fails at who they’re supposed to be. A measure of a person is how well they succeed at being who they are.”
What I really thought in that moment: I’ve gone mad crazy. I’m so ridiculous I’m even getting “signs” from action movies. Don’t get me wrong, I love movies, it’s just…crazy, right?
Dr. Mei: Well, that’s one way to look at it. Or, the way I see it – the universe is trying to push you down a path in every way possible. And if not the universe, then you’re inner-self for sure. You’re seeing what you need to see. You’re hearing what you need to hear. Whether you choose to listen is another thing. It’s like that clip you like in the show the West Wing. The episode is Take This Sabbeth Day, remember? It may be a bit too religious for this moment, but it’s on point. Choose to take all the signs your getting – the most important sign is that YOU want to do all of this. If you had all the money in the world, THIS is who you’d be, right? Failure wouldn’t be such a big deal then. It’d be just a bump in the road to still doing what you want to do. And seriously, when have you EVER allowed money to be the reason you chose to do anything at all? To define you? To stop you from doing what you want to do? Don’t start now. This is the best part! Enjoy the ride. It’s just getting started.
I’m not a big fan of recapping the prior year and making resolutions in the New Year. The analyzing of the prior year ends up making me reflect on things that went well, but also on things that went “not-so-well” and future resolutions always seems too dreamy to me. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great to have goals, but I think on-going betterment of the self on a daily basis is a better strategy. At least for me.
With that said, I can’t help but share a few fascinating things that I’ve incorporated into my everyday life that has really put me in a whole new frame of mind. I’m on a different playing field now and things just feel better. It didn’t happen overnight, but when I see where I am right now in my life and look back at where I started, I feel like some of these basic choices/tools might be similar to what others have done or are doing – and if you haven’t done them yet, maybe this might help get you started.
Eliminate the “wishy-washy people” out of your life.
This seems like a no brainer when talking about people who physically abuse you, or emotionally hurt you. But even the subtle people are obvious to me now. We all know the type: the big talker, the name dropper, the “let’s do lunch” cliché-ism that infests most of Hollywood and Wall Street. But I’m also talking about the “I’m so busy” people. The “I’m finding myself” people. The overly “spiritual” “life coached” folks — you know, the ones who call themselves “enlightened” but are actually just idiots? I’ve said this before: truly enlightened people never say they’re enlightened. People who brag about how Yoga or meditation have changed their “being” and yet, they still treat the waiter or the janitor like they’re below them? Yeah, I’ve gotten rid of all of these people in my daily life. Anyone who remotely annoys me on any level, I’ve just stopped. I don’t respond to them, I don’t initiate communication – I just let them be. They have no effect on me whatsoever.
And here’s the great thing about walking away from people who do not add to your livelihood –when you eliminate people out of your life who cause you more harm than good, new people show up. And you feel excited by the possibility of a new relationships and new moments. Now, it may be that these folks don’t work out either, but it’s exciting and new – and for me, I made three great new friends this year. Surprisingly, I would have never met them had I not walked away from “people” that were not adding to my life’s breath.
Do what feels right to you!
I always ask people for their opinion. I do. I like to cover all my bases. It makes me feel in control if I get as much information as possible and then make a decision. That’s not bad thing to do. And it’s why I’m good at my work – whether creatively or in my consulting business. But, at the end of the day, going with my gut, always prevails. Always. I don’t care if Stephen Hawking himself tells me I’m wrong about something, I’m going to go with my gut anyways. Now, you should know the consequences of your actions and be willing to accept them, but when you do this, when you listen to – what I like to call – God’s whisper, some call it an inner voice, a gut feeling – you’re making a choice based on all your experiences, all your knowledge and all your inner knowing of things. There’s something powerful in that.
Now, that doesn’t mean at times it doesn’t work out. But, the cool thing is, when you listen to your inner voice, your gut, you tend to have no regrets, even if it doesn’t work out. But, if you went against the grain, went against what you believed, then it’s more likely that whatever choice you made would be regrettable.
Love and embrace your baggage!
Lately I’ve been listening to people talk about “baggage”. Life coaches, therapists and gurus tell you all the time that you need to get rid of your “baggage” or deal with your “baggage”. It always seems so negative. I’ve always seen my baggage as evidence of the journey I’ve been on. I wouldn’t trust anyone who didn’t have baggage, because it would mean they hadn’t lived. They haven’t travelled on this journey called life. The only people who shouldn’t have baggage of any real dimension, are children. 7 year olds.
Baggage, or, my past, is what has brought me to this point in time. Getting rid of it would mean, getting rid of the good stuff too – and why would I do that? This idea that our past is some horrible linkage to a time that we should forget in order to live in the present, is a falsehood. Just because people say it all the time doesn’t make it true. First of all, getting rid of your baggage is impossible to do. We all have memories. We all have past experiences. And those memories, those experiences, good and bad, are what make up most of what we are in this moment. Embrace it. Own it. Love who you are because of it all.
Now being 30 years old and living like you’re a 12 year old because you’re stuck in the past and still want your mommy – that’s a whole other thing. That’s not what I’m taking about – and that would most likely require a doctor’s help. Someone dealing with trauma of any sort, should always get professional help. But let’s be clear, this is not about baggage – now we’re talking about mental health. Please when in doubt, consult a professional doctor and understand the difference.
Love yourself unconditionally!
This is a hard one. It sounds like an easy one, but truly loving yourself is hard because we’re not used to thinking this way. We find it so easy to say to ourselves, “Uggh, you’re so stupid.” When we do something wrong. Or “Oh, you look so fat!” – when we don’t like an outfit that we’ve tried on. We’re always so mean to ourselves. When was the last time you looked in the mirror and told yourself that you loved yourself completely and without any reservations or conditions at all? Could you even read that sentence without snickering a bit or giggling?
This was the most transformative thing that I’ve done in the past year. Really embracing my own brilliance and not feeling weird about it, bad about it, or giggling about it. Knowing that I have such gifts and talents and accepting that I have faults and make mistakes and that THAT is okay and part of the human journey has been freeing! It has completely changed how I interact with others and more importantly, how I view my purpose on the planet.
So, those four things: Eliminate wishy-washy people, Do what feels right, Embrace your baggage, Love yourself unconditionally– those very specific four things have been life changing for me. This past year has been an amazing revelation and unfolding of a very wonderful, very exciting life. I can only imagine that a lot of it had to do with learning to incorporate each one of these aspects into my daily life fully. It didn’t happen overnight and there were struggles along the way, but I have to say, I’m so glad I’m finally here!
And thank you to all of you, who helped walk me through.
Merry Christmas, Happy Festivus, Happy Hanuka, Happy Kwanza – and Season Greetings to any others I may have missed.
Today was a hard day. I can’t stop crying. I don’t have children, but still. What happened in Newtown hurt me to the core. Not sure exactly why. I don’t think you have to have children to get it. All the newscasters keep saying, “If you have children…” What? I have my God-daughter who I adore with all my heart…and that’s enough. My neighbors and friends have kids. That’s enough. I’m a human being. That’s enough to understand, to “get it”. I feel it just as much as anyone else.
And maybe that’s exactly why I’m crying so much. Those are my children. My neighbors and friends kids are my kids. How did we lose our way? How did we forget that my neighbor is my brother, my sister, part of my human family? How far away from each other have we gotten that we don’t even know our neighbors last name or the last time we saw them come home? When did we lose touch with each other?
That child, that killer – how did we let him grow up to DO that? Yes, I take responsibility. We don’t care about each other any-more. We only care about what is “ours”. And we only care about others when tragedy unfolds. We’ve become so selfish, so self-absorbed we don’t care till someone hurts us or harms someone we love. And then all we do is blame. We blame everyone else but ourselves. The media, the healthcare system, guns. And then the media, medical profession and the NRA blames everyone else. The media says they’re just “reporting the news” or “it’s just entertainment”, the medical profession claims it has “no funding” and the NRA says, “guns don’t kill people…”.
Lord have mercy on all of us. So much finger-pointing, so little self-reflection.
I always tell people we need to do better when we know better – but the truth is I can do better. I can tell people all I want to do better, but I can only change myself. I can be a better steward of my fellow human beings and not just when things are tough, but when things are okay too. I need to reach out and love my neighbor. I need to stop complaining about what’s wrong and do something about it. And I’m not exactly sure how to do it, but it might start with sending a letter to my Senator and my Representatives and telling them exactly how I feel. Maybe knocking on my next door neighbor’s door and introducing myself might be a good start? I don’t know. But something’s gotta give,because what we’ve been doing, isn’t working. Something has to change.
Now, I’m not looking for a “kumbaya” moment or anything, I’m just saying we have fallen so far apart where being social means jumping online and exchanging a few sentences or comments on Facebook. And look, there’s nothing wrong with that, but it isolates us. It hinders us from actually being involved in people’s lives. We send a quick text “Happy Birthday” and we’re done with that celebration. I’m sure I’ll get more than a few “Merry Christmas” text next week…it’s just the way we do things now. There’s no longer a need to be involved because we’ve found shortcuts to get so many more things done now with technology, you know, because we’re all so “busy”.
Really?
No one and I mean NO ONE, is THAT busy. Unless you’re looking for a cure to Cancer, or fighting in a WAR or doing something of that magnitude, you my friend are not that muther-fucking busy. I don’t know anyone in my own life who is THAT busy (though all of us claim to be!).
We find so many excuses for NOT doing the right thing, instead of finding all the reason to DO the right thing, the hard thing, the good thing, the quality thing. And the catch phrase we’ve become comfortable with is: “I’m busy”. The underlying message is clear: you’re not a priority. You don’t matter to me.
Clearly, we were all too busy for the killer in Newtown Connecticut. No one noticed his pain or his craziness or whatever it was because we didn’t notice him at all. We can blame his mother or father or teachers or doctors – so much easier to do than to blame ourselves, right? But the truth is I’m also to blame for not doing more to know my neighbors, to care for someone outside my own little “busy” world – to reach out and be there for someone who may need me. Who may just need my acknowledgement that they exist. That they matter.
And this is why I can’t stop crying. Because I lost 20 gorgeous little kids today. I lost 6 beautiful adults who had to sacrifice themselves to save others. I keep tearing because down deep inside I know, I can do better than this. I know I can do my part to make this world a better place…and I didn’t. Because I’ve been too busy. Too self-absorbed, too selfish with my own little life.
I am so sorry Newtown. I take responsibility Newtown. And although it will not bring back our loved ones, I will do better. I promise.
Today, I’m making some changes:
I’m going to call my neighbor and touch base again with him and his family. I’m going to reach out to some other neighbors I don’t know. Luckily, it’s the holiday season, so it’s an easier way to say HELLO.
I’m going to write my two Senator and my Congressman and make known my issues regarding this tragedy as well as send a letter to the NRA voicing my opinion.
As far as movies/TV and video games are concerned, I’m not a fan of that genre in general so I’ve never watched anything so gruesome or bought anything so deranged, but I will go through my “collection” (if you can call it that) and see if there’s anything in there that may be watched accidentally by my little four-year old darling God-Daughter and put it out of reach. My problem with banning movies and TV is that I do consider them ART (at least the ones I buy and own) – and although I do think there’s a freedom to an artist expressing themselves, I also think there’s a responsibility that goes along with it. The artist himself has to deal with the consequences of his art, and the consumer of that “ART” needs to be smart about what it takes in. So, I can put the parental locks on my TV and my computer and not buy toys/games that promote…oh, for the lack of a better word: stupid dumb-ass crap.
That’s a start. Somehow I feel a little better. Still tearing, but at least now I have a plan. Something to work on. Hopefully, that will help me start to change things. I can’t change the world today, but I can certainly change me.
Such a major conversation about guns. Truth is, we also need to be having a conversation about MENTAL HEALTH. About how we talk to each other, about how we deal with anger. Even how people talk to each other on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ etc. – – its disturbing. Yes, have your arguments about guns. But haven’t we already been here before? Do me a favor: sit down with your kids, your family, your friends and talk. Yeah, just talk. MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS. Communication matters. We need to step up. We need be smarter. Better than we used to be… please, let’s be better than we used to be…
Much love and peace to my neighbors and friends in Connecticut.
