Rhayne: Carm, you there?
Carmen: Hola Rhayne – bored at work, I see.
Rhayne: I have a question.
Rhayne: How do you deal with rejection? I’m so sick of everything falling apart and everything going wrong. I don’t get it. What am I doing wrong?
Carmen: Uhm, that’s. . . What happened? You want to talk on the phone? Skype?
Rhayne: No, I’m at the coffee shop. Can’t. Can we just IM?
Rhayne: I went out with that guy. Remember the one I told you about from the online site? The one I had coffee with and I thought we had a great time and he said he was going to call me and then he didn’t? That one.
Carmen: uhm, so he did call?
Carmen: That’s good right?
Rhayne: And that job interview I went to last week? That friggin’ second interview that I thought for sure I aced. They filled the position and didn’t even tell me! I found out because I called and asked! Oh my God, I was so humiliated! I actually called!
Carmen: Oh, I’m sorry.
Rhayne: I just feel stupid. I feel horrible. I feel like a loser. Oh my God, what am I going to do? I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I’m bothering you again. I know you’re going through your own stuff.
Carmen: You’re kidding me, right? Pahleeze! Don’t worry about it. So tell me what happened last night with that guy.
Rhayne: I don’t want to talk about him actually.
Carmen: What? Okay. So, let me get this straight, you’re asking me how I deal with rejection so well? Uhm, because I’ve had so much experience, jeez thanks!
Rhayne: Yeah, I do. I mean, no offense, but. . . I mean, you’ve been through so much and you’re always happy. I mean, I know you cry and get sad, but…honestly, how do you do it? No matter what’s going in your life, you’re always okay. I don’t get it. Is it drugs? Alcohol? Lots of sex? What?
Carmen: Definitely not drugs or alcohol. . .
Rhayne: Oh my God! Lots of sex, that’s how you deal with it?
Carmen: LOL! Yeah, wouldn’t that be great? If sex cured all our problems!
Rhayne: Or if your real love did. . . CHOCOLATE.
Rhayne: I want Suzie Cakes cupcakes right now!
Carmen: Look, there’s no doubt rejection is hard. But I guess I deal with it the same way I deal with most things– head on.
Rhayne: I don’t know what that means.
Carmen: I know, give me a dang second to type girl!
Carmen: First, rejection is something we all feel at some point. That’s not to diminish what you’re going through and feeling right now, but just to remind you that it’s normal. Second, it’s important to understand why rejection hurts so much. Primarily because it makes us feel like we’re not good enough. Like we’re “less than” someone or something else. It solidifies and confirms our own worst fears: that we just don’t measure up. And if someone doesn’t approve, then see, it must be true! Got those two so far?
Carmen: The third thing to remember is that we don’t like rejection because ultimately we want to be liked. It’s natural. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s part of living. As much as “some” pretend not to need anyone, the fact is we’re social beings and want to fit in. Even in our aloneness, we want to know that we’re accepted by others. And most of us who are sane never want to hurt or disappoint others. It’s a natural part of what makes us, US. So far so good?
Rhayne: Yeah. When are you going to tell me how to fix it?
Carmen: When you gonna pay me?
Rhayne: It’s in the mail.
Carmen: Yeah, right. For real, it’s a process.
Rhayne: Okay, okay, I’m listening.
Carmen: The fourth thing to remember is that you’ve already been here before. You know all of this.
Carmen: Yeah, everything I just said beforehand… that it’s normal, that it hurts because we want to be liked by others and that we’re social beings regardless of how we say we don’t need anybody? This is not new – rejection is not new to you.
Rhayne: Okay, but so what? How does that help me?
Carmen: You were rejected before when you were 3 years old in the play ground or when you were in grammar school, high school, whatever. You’ve been through this before so you already know what rejection is – been there, done that.
Rhayne: Exactly what I’m saying! It’s like I’m “Queen Rejection” or something!
Carmen: No, silly. What I’m trying to say is this: you have felt this before and you’ll feel it again. It’s part of the process of life and unless you’re never going to compete for anything ever again or go after something you really want, or fall in love, then you’re always going to run the risk of feeling rejected.
Rhayne: So I’m destined to always feel bad because it’s human? Is that what you’re friggin’ telling me? How the hell is this supposed to make me feel better? I’m thinking alcohol would be so much better. I’d go for the sex cure if you’d hook me up with that fine boy on your facebook – there’s like three of them I’m interested in.
Carmen: You are so crazy Ms. Thing! For the record, that boy is NOT available! Let it go! But yes, as a human being you are destined to possibly be rejected many more times for sure. That’s a factual part of living. So you can’t stop being rejected, but you can control how deeply you feel about it and definitely never let it devastate you.
Rhayne: Okay, how?
Carmen: Every time something doesn’t go your way Rhayne you get all in a tizzy. So, the question is why?
Rhayne: you already said it…because I’m human and, you know, all the three things you said before.
Carmen: Ugggh….yes, but there’s more to it than that silly girl! What you haven’t figured out is how to turn a bad feeling or situation into a good thing. Find the silver lining. Everything has a silver lining, no matter how faint it may seem. If you want to know the trick of how I’ve made it through “sooooooooooo much rejection” that’s the trick: I flip rejection to a positive.
Rhayne: What? That sounds stupid and too easy.
Carmen: I didn’t say it was easy. And I would say stupid is IM-ing me from a coffee shop like I’m your damn therapist!
Rhayne: Touché. Sorry. Go on.
Carmen: Whenever you get rejected try and see it as just another opportunity for you to try again. Each time someone says, NO, say, OH YEAH? Don’t feed into the hurt of rejection. Make it a line in the sand to cross over and dare once again.
Rhayne: Oh, so, a guy you’ve been in love with picks some fat ugly whore over you and you’re fine with that and see it as a challenge?
Carmen: Ha! Ha! Oh my God! That was too funny! Let’s leave the boys for the end, okay? Let’s start with work first.
Rhayne: Okay. Shoot. But I can’t wait to hear the answer to that. . .
Carmen: You send out resumes, you go to an interview, you look your best, present yourself well and think you’ve aced the interview and you don’t get the job. Right?
Carmen: Okay, instead of harping on feeling bad or like a “loser” because you didn’t get the job, why not do a little reality check on all the reasons why you might not have gotten the job. You know, think about things you can control. Like, for example, did you say too much in the interview? Not enough? Were you too chummy with people? Was this really the right job to pursue? Did you accidentally show up the interviewer….uhem…
Rhayne: Oh shut up! She was like 14 years old! I could have done her job for goodness sake and I’m interviewing for her? What the hell! I shouldn’t have to be dealing with some freshman supervisor wanna-be. I should have her job!
Carmen: Rhayne, honestly, do you hear yourself? A minute ago you were feeling rejected, now you’re pissed because you had to interview for a job with someone you thought wasn’t qualified. You didn’t really want that job did you?
Rhayne: It’s a stupid position I can do with my eyes closed.
Carmen: I’m sure. But this isn’t the right economy to be playing that game so you have to adjust, right? The point is, you make a choice – either suck it up and talk to the 14 year old “supervisor” to get the job, or decide that it’s not a job you want anyways because you’re overqualified. But don’t put yourself down over it. Choice, line in the sand, positivity. Nothing about feeling bad at all. What’s the silver lining in the situation? If anything, I see this as a positive, you should feel good about it. You’ve learned something new.
Rhayne: F – you!
Carmen: Yeah, you best abbreviate my sistah –I’ll just assume you meant to say “Fabulous, you!” Ha! Look , it’s the same way with the guy thing. First of all, don’t ever compete with other women. It’s not about the other woman. If a guy isn’t interested, remember that it’s the same as when you’re not interested in some guy who likes you. Then be glad you got that information NOW and not years later. Silver lining! And why would you force someone to like you? That’s like forcing someone to be your friend. It makes no sense.
Rhayne: Amen to that! You are so right!
Carmen: In more intense relationships, if someone doesn’t want to be in your life no matter what you do to accommodate the relationship and they still lie or behave stupidly – then walk away. I mean, honestly, what’s the point? True love and true friendship, no matter the relationship, is about respect. Respect of yourself in the relationship and respect of the other person. If you really love someone, you wouldn’t hurt them purposely – especially not over and over again. You know I’ve walked away without looking back pretty easily from dumb-ass people. Three chances and you’re out. Here’s the silver lining: If the muther-flower is a liar and therefore an overall woose, then I consider that a bullet dodged big time! Remember what Maya Angelou said, “People always SHOW you who they are.” They may talk a good game, but ultimately its behavior that matters.
Rhayne: Preach it sistah. Preach!
Carmen: Ha! I know, right! I feel the spirit coming through my fingers when I get going…Ha!
Rhayne: I know you do!
Carmen: And Ms. Thang, let’s be honest here, okay? You’re just meeting these men for the first and second date, right? Maybe you need to lighten up a bit. It’s like you’ve emotionally invested a little too much too soon. Give yourself a break already. You’re like piling up on the rejection crap just to feel bad!
Rhayne: You’re right. I hate you.
Carmen: I know. Beauty and brains, I can’t help it, I was born this way baby!
Rhayne: Bitch. Okay, but seriously, now what?
Carmen: Well, I’d like to say you should write me a check for my services but I know that ain’t going to happen.
Carmen: Tomorrow just start fresh. Stop putting so much weight on everything.
Rhayne: I know. I know you’re right. And the other days? When it doesn’t work out?
Carmen: Easy, Chocolate cupcakes! Always on standby!
Rhayne: I’d rather you call up one of them boys on your facebook page so I can have me some of that “sex-cure”. What that boy’s name, you know, the one that –
Carmen: You’re crazy! What do I look like a pimp or something… jeez!
Rhayne: Well, that could be a job for me. I’d work on commission. You know, I could be your secretary if you started up that kind of business… maybe your bookie or….
Carmen: Good-bye Rhayne!
24 thoughts on “Rejection – The Silver Lining”
You are such an incredible resource for us all! And I love the “apply directly to forehead” thing. It would be a great title for your blog … if your name wasn’t so soothing in and of itself! 😀
Awe…I’m so blushing right now…thanx.
Now I wonder, how do you get from “knowing” that you should handle rejection this way, because lets face it, most of us have some idea of how we could handle it better than we do, to actually handling it that way? That is my question to you oh wise one!
PS – I was going to say I love what you’ve done with the pop ups that show up when you hover your mouse over a commenter’s picture……but I see that’s more an overall WordPress thing since it’s on my blog too. Hmmmmmm……before you can say it, YES, I have been away for too long obviously, haha!
JM, you have been away for far too long! But, it’s not the quantity, but the quality so I’m just happy to “see” you again my friend. And looking forward to your next post!
Here’s the jist: when something doesn’t work, find a new way to deal with it. You can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again and then complaining with the result. And for me, rejection was constant as a performer as a child, not because I sucked but because it’s part of the world of auditioning. So, I learned to stop taking it in so deeply and started trying to be constructive about it — flipping it to a positive. Eventually, I’d say in 11th grade, I started incorporating what I had been learning as a performer into my every day life — and, well, it works for me.
I belive at some point we all will have enough with what doesn’t work and find a new way to deal. Change is difficult, but necessary and usually turns out for the best in the end. So, you’ll know, when you’ve made the change to deal with it differently.
Does that make sense?
And yes, like Windows 7, wordpress pop-outs were my idea.
I had a feeling you were behind the pop ups, I had no idea you were one of the people behind Windows 7 though! I need to watch more TV obviously, because I have yet to catch your commercial about it, haha.
With you being a performer for so long I can see how you have learned such a brilliant way to deal with rejection. It goes without saying that it’s not because you sucked, although I notice you were quick to point that out Carmen, haha. Remember, I’ve seen you in front of the camera and you most definitely are a natural for it. No question there!
It can be difficult to make the jump from knowing you should do something, to actually doing it though can’t it? Not just with respect to dealing with rejection, but for anything really. I often find myself doing things that I know I shouldn’t or not doing things that I know I should. I’m not always sure of the reason, indifference, laziness, or something else. I will say that sometimes its harder to convince yourself than it is to convince others.
Anyways, to answer your question, it makes perfect sense Carmen!
Of course it’s difficult JM! And trust me: it’s soooooo much easier to preach it than it is to practice it! Hahahahaha!
Thank you for always being so kind about my “camera” work — hee! You’re awesome! And so good for my ego!
Uhm, I know what I did…forgive me. But I fixed it!
I SO OWE YOU! FORGIVE ME!
Oh yes, you owe me now, hee hee!
I will see if I can find it in my heart to forgive you Carmen………..it may require some sucking up though!
Wow, most men would kill to be in this position: Consider me at your beck and call.
I’m not saying I wouldn’t kill someone to have you at my back and call Carmen, but, I don’t have to right? I mean, you already promised so…
Love this post! I love the conversational way of dealing with the issues. Great points.
I was thinking when I read this that the “rejection attitude” can begin to be a cycle, when we are rejected more than once we can begin to expect it and begin a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection.
Abe, you are so right! That is another great point — it becomes a cycle and we just keep getting deeper and deeper into sadness…
Awesome advice Carmen! I really think you should get paid if all of your advice is so point on.
From your lips to God’s ear! ha! Thank you!
Soooo true Carmen! It took me awhile to see my silver lining! But it was there…it’s always there. Great conversation!
Thank you Val! It sometimes takes me a long time to see it too — but over time, like any other skill I do suppose, it does it get easier. Kinda!
And I have to say, I love your blog, but I don’t know how to subscribe to it because it’s on blogger so I don’t see a subscription function. Maybe you can add it? Or add my email to your subscription? Hmmm, let me know what I need to do, cause last night I couldn’t figure it out. Just so you know, I’m on wordpress not blogger.
As always, just what a fellow budding coach, guide and sister-friend needed to read. Thanks as per usual for the inspiration Mamita, may be seeing you sooner than later, have a bug in my ear about LA!!!
You flatter me way too much my sistah-friend! But I thank you oh so much! I have to say I’m waiting for your next posting — your words of wisdom always make me think especially because you intertwine them so beautifully with AGAPE. So, I await your next update!
And I can’t wait for you to come to LA! Definitely let me know! That would be FANTASTIC!
It’s really hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes isn’t it? You walk into the new meeting with someone, all confidence and hotness on wheels, only to have them say “sorry – you’re rejected. NEXT!” Kind of deflating, until you take into the account some of the excellents notes you gave your IMer.
I loved reading this, Carmen. It makes a lot of sense.
When the shoe’s on the other foot and I have to let someone down (which, I hasten to add, is always done carefully and gently “it’s not you and it’s not me. It’s just that we don’t have chemistry”) I make a mental note: someday soon this is going to be you getting the speech. And yeah- it’s happened a few times.
Always seems to leave a little mental bruise too, despite your best “suck it, man!” self-speech. But you do get over it and you carry on.
I guess there’s always a reason why people say that being single and dating sucks sometimes.
Wolfie — everything you mentioned is so very true. Though I would add that I know some folk who’d say being married or being IN a relationship sometimes sucks too!
The grass always seems greener on the other side, right?
“Apply directly to forehead!” From now on whenever I hear that I’m going to think of you. 🙂
Nice chat. I read the whole thing, and that’s rare. So was that the “raw” Carmen or did you go back and edit to make yourself look super cool?
I don’t know much about silver linings, myself. You gave me a lot to think about. I found the subject matter to be somewhat topical for me. Thanks!
Oh my god, I’m laughing so hard..the “raw” Carmen? Hee! Uhm, you’re kinda implying I’m not super cool to begin with, huh? Hahahaha!
Honestly, that’s pretty much how it went down — I did edit all the abbreviation and mis-spellings to the best of my ability — and I cut out some stuff. But, that’s the jist.
I like “apply directly to forehead” though –I’m going to do the same! Sometimes I forget too!
I don’t know why that was so good, but there’s no doubt that I had a big smile on my face the whole way! Kind of a voyeurism thing I guess, listening in on someone elses conversation, lol. It’s so true too, there is ALWAYS a silver lining if you look hard enough. Preach away girl, preach away!
Brian! I LOVE “seeing” you!
You know, I wasn’t sure I should do it and how it would come across, but thanks. I’m glad it worked at least a little!
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